Thursday, March 20, 2014

Springtime For Cyclist: When the Equinox Gets Vernal, the Fred Gets Anal

As winter reluctantly releases the ball gag from our mouth, I find myself returning to the bikes with the skinny tires and the pedals requiring shoes you can't walk in (Fredliness is a form of ball-gaggery, I suppose), which means I can update those of you who care on the Brooks Cambium saddle:


(Matching your saddle and your bar tape is for "woosies.")

Here's a closer look:


And here's a really close look:


And here is a pair of hard nipples:


If you recall, I immediately found the Cambium to be exceedingly comfortable, though around January I noticed it was creaking a little bit.  Specifically, it would sort of squeak if I shimmied my scranus towards the saddle's nose while climbing.  While the sound was mildly annoying, it was only occasional, and it was nowhere near as irritating as comments like this:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Snob..no wonder you sucked at racing of the bicycles. Try shifting your scanus back when climbing instead of forward. You will make better use of your glutes and hamstrings that way. Only go on the rivet when you want to get low and aero.

JANUARY 3, 2014 AT 7:57 PM 

Nonsense.  Climbing is like intercourse: sometimes you need to change positions.  You don't just park your scranus in one spot and grind away.  Whether you're talking about your saddle or your bed, at various times you should be fore, aft, or even out of it altogether.  And as for sucking at the racing of bicycles, I definitely sucked, but it was for a completely different set of reasons, since there's virtually no climbing in the various local New York City race series, yet I managed to completely blow anyway.

Plus, I hold the all-time record for ascending Mont Ventoux, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

Worst of all though was the Unsolicited Creak Advice, which is perhaps the most regrettable aspect of bike dorkdom in the Internet age.  "Maybe it's not your saddle.  Have you tried greasing the chainring bolt that's second from your crank arm going clockwise?"  Look.  I know when my saddle's creaking, and I also know a thing or two about chasing creaks.  In fact, I don't just chase them.  I stalk them.  Sometimes you need to take the whole bike apart.  Other times, you ignore the creak for a few weeks so it thinks you don't care, but then, when the creak least expects it, BAM!  You figure it out mid-ride and then silence that shit immediately with a surgical lube strike.

This is me when I'm hunting down a creak:


(Errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to lube a bottom bracket.)

I love the smell of Simple Green in the morning, etc. and so forth.

ANYWAY, the point of all this is that I was able to determine that my flabby thighs were causing the rubber underside of the saddle to rub the rails, thus producing a rubbery squeak, which I confirmed by applying some electrical tape between the two surfaces (the rails and saddle shell, not my thighs):


As of my last ride it was as quiet as can be, and while there's certainly a more elegant solution (hint: Brooks x BSNYC velvet "collabo" bumpers "droppings" soon at $75 a pop), I'll probably just leave it that way until my liposuction appointment.

In the meantime, the saddle is extremely comfortable, happily silent, and well in line with my personal bicycle aesthetic, which is that of a fading Fred gradually wilting into a retrogrouch.  Furthermore, I would happily put a Cambium on each and every one of my bicycles, if only I weren't so goddamn lazy.

In other news, there has been much talk of lumens this week, and clearly it's in the zeitgeist because Mission Bicycle have launched a Kickstarter for a reflective bicycle called...the Lumen:



And thus, with the advent of a dedicated night bicycle, "peak specificity" was reached, and the entire cycling universe contracted in a "big crunch," at which point all marketing segments were completely abandoned and everybody started selling and riding pennyfarthings:


Which was terrible news for the inventors of the Cogly cog-flosser:


This is an indispensable invention for people who haven't yet figured out that, if you're going to clean your cassette, you should first take the extra five seconds to remove the wheel:


(Oh come on, who even does that?)

Or even just the extra three seconds to shift the chain out of the way.

I'm not even going to mention removing the cassette from the hub, because that would probably make a potential Cogly customer's head explode.

By the way, if you didn't know any better, you might think the Cogly is a heavy-duty dental floss pick designed for Englishmen:


(Bike industry entrepreneurs, or British dentists?  Because the whole "British people have bad teeth" thing never gets old.)

And for this they want $12,500--which, according to the video, will mostly go towards paying for the packaging:


Because if there's one thing the world needs, it's more packaging.

127 comments:

Anonymous said...

well ladies .... have a seat.

Vernal Magina said...

oh fuck, scrodium.

Roille Figners said...

Anal!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

top 10

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sliding in with the group at the front.

Comment deleted said...

Always floss your sprocket
With one hand in your pocket

ouabacher said...

Woohoo!

3G said...

Podi-not

wishiwasmerckx said...

Toppus Tennus

Anonymous said...

10ish?

cycle

Anonymous said...

retro reflection fully integrated.


in-farking-deed!

my next gravel grinder will be thus.

Anonymous said...

Yabba dabba do

RoadQueen said...

Damn, missed the top ten. Congrats to the top 3!

Now to read....

McFly said...

Self-ball-gagging that little pucker just south of my scranus now.

Anonymous said...

Does The Chamferer do thighs to match his saddles?

RoadQueen said...

Bike maintenance: is a perk of being with a life-long cyclist.

Because I'm one of those rubes that saw the flosser and thought, "WOW! So THAT's how you're supposed to clean in there?!"

Yeah, I'll own up to it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

COGF LOSS

McFly said...

Ah yessss...hard nipples, a rubbery squeak, a surgical strike with some lube.

Reminds me of Henry Co Homecoming in 1990.

DB said...

Happy first day of spring. The inch of snow we received last night is melting nicely and if all goes well, I'll have my first bike ride of the year tomorrow.
It was a long winter.

Regular guy said...

The coming of spring is either like the removal of the ball gag, or the slow, withdrawal of the string of love beads from the end of the digestive tract. Depends on the weather.

Dooth said...

Is that Brooks itchy?... like the seatpost says. I'm planning on a naked ride, and that Cambium might promote dingleberry issues.

Regular guy said...

Oh, I must add, either way spring is coming.

Anonymous said...

I thought "Cog-Flossing" was when you ran your junk back and forth for a few extra strokes AFTER giving her the pearl necklace whilst TF'ing.

grog said...

Diligent squeak detection.
Spring has sprung.
Digital seat correction.
Woohoo be sung.


Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

your stem is too long

trama said...

ritte/denny fred sled lookin sharp

trama said...

ritte/denny fred sled lookin sharp

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

can it core a apple?
yes it can core a apple

Anonymous said...

can you ride the nightbike LUMEN in the daylight?

what happens?

wormhole?

time reversal??

everyone goes blind, and not from over-self-frapping?

wle

ge said...

Have you tried greasing your scranus? Pretty sure that's the real source of the creaking.

RoadQueen said...

I like Regular guy's description of Spring best.

Nothing wrong with love beads. Guys that are totally ok with their masculinity and are open to trying new things love them. Just sayin'.

Bama Phred said...

Scranus. I got nothing. I like the Ritte. Reflecto-bike gave me a seizure. Gotta go ride the equinox to get over it.

Anonymous said...

Honey I'll be right up as soon as I'm done flossing my cassette.

Anonymous said...

RoadQueen,

Eww.

Flyover BC said...

Would you put cambium saddles on your entire stable if Brooks supplied them for free?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...yeah, seriously. the only reason you have not put that unobtanium saddle on all your bikes is because you're lazy?

...oh, wait, you are a millionaire... i forgot.

Anonymous said...

I've never planted my scranus anywhere during intercourse, and I'm not sure I want to know any more about it.

herald refathei

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...british-dental-floss inventors casually forgot that you can carry the cogly on your ride and use it like a boomerang for attacks.

...also comes in handy when you're in the woods and find your path blocked by a fallen tree... instead of a rag, you pop in a saw toothed piece, and start hacking.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Flyover BC, supplied them for free? Don't forget that we Jews were born with deep pockets and short arms.

Why did G-d create the Goyim? Because somebody's got to pay retail!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Flyover BC,

Eventually, yes.

Except Son of Scat, the Cambium is too fancy for that.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Flyover BC,

Actually, not the Big Dummy either, the B17 is more better for that bike.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...RQ, how many such guys do you know?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Flyover BC,

And maybe not the plastic bike, since a plastic bike should have a plastic saddle.

All the other bikes though, yes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Anal. Deep.

Flyover BC said...

WishIwasM,

I was about to be offended by your bigotry, till I noticed you used the word we. So, I'll play too.

q:Know why we Baptist don't do "it" standing up?

a:We don't want anyone to think we're dancing.

Q:Know why you should always take two Baptists fishing?

a: So they won't drink your beer.

Levitical dorport

babble on said...

Mmmmmm Vernal. I love that word, it's so luscious. Thanks for hard nipples and intercourse, Snobbums darlinK. Sweet. Um.... and

WHAT?! Izzzat a politician talking about climate change?! NONONONONOITCANTBESOOOOOOOOO!!Say you're not really ONE OF THEM! :S

I don't think that's whatchacall stalking though, snobberdoodles. That's what GOING UNDER looks like. The seas rise around them whilst they sit there on their stupid arses doing fuck all. Not very apocaloptimistic of me to see it that way, but

Just sayin' is all.

Re: the packaging... RIGHT?!?

And about the floss? Hereyago, and this is a gift: The Fred's fred actually uses a Dental pick before he flosses. I kid you not. Best ex pro I know took to my cassette with a dental pick, and he had that baby spotless in minutes. Minutes.

THAT's what you call serendipity, that so many Freds are well set to be so Fredly.

<3

wishiwasmerckx said...

Flyover BC, you don't want to get me started on lawyer jokes.

Count Cogula said...

Oh great. Now one needs to have a dedicated night bike. I'm going to call mine 'Vampire'.

Flyover Bc said...

I only have two bikes (aluminum and steel) and I'm unsophisticated.

Almost any narrow saddle (4.5 inches) will do, and it's better with a channel to provide some scranal relief. Anything more than about 40 dollars is way too much to pay, cause I am very thrifty.

I've never ridden more than 3.5 hours though, so I don't know what's better.

Anonymous said...

Can anybody assist on determining the origin of a rasping sound on my pennyfarthing? Heretofore, I have tried applying lubricant to the saddle pin hardware, hub flange terminals, and pedal cage reflector bolts, all to no avail. Please advise posthaste!

Anonymous said...

A late comment on Lumens. More is better. A helment mount is better than a handlebar mount.

Fred said...

Hi, I was told that today's the day I can "get anal" - does that offer still stand?

Synonymous said...

Is there a gravel penny farthing? Can you get one in crabon?

Anonymous said...

Simple Green? Ick.

I long ago switched to a citrus oil based cleaner (Zep Commercial Heavy Duty Degreaser if you must know. $12 a gallon a home depot).

It smells like oranges and I can pretend it's made from Anita Bryant's salty tears.

McFly said...

RoadQueen,
I had a pull rope break off in a Stihl chainsaw once. It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

Roille Figners said...

This blog keeps getting kinkier.

And then you threw in ol' Winning Sr. And I thought my god the genius of that. The genius. I coulda been a contender. Rosebud. Sambadi tooka de bicicleta. Gonna need a bigger boat. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.

JLRB said...

Lady Spring almost lured me back on to the pure Fred-cycle for the 'mute in today, but I am sticking with the semi-fredly travel bike getting-to-know-you routine. Platform pedals and all. Sure is much nicer at the 3.14 million traffic lights.

ge said...

*

JLRB said...

Speaking of anal - Does anyone else get the heebie-jeebies when thinking about riding on a used saddle?

DB said...

McFly at 3:06 for the early lead, but I'm waiting on Crosspalm and Commie to show up before bestowing COD.
There is one hilarious Anon who shows up late, too.
Stay tuned.

JB said...

JLRB: Only when it's fabric covered and not Babble's.

RoadQueen said...

McFly: If your pull rope broke off in the Stihl, your ass has bigger problems than the rope.

I'd fire the puller. That's way too rough. Ya gotta have finesse.

JMHO

BamaPhred said...

I don't believe being "thrifty" with money is peculiar to any ethnicity. Being of a particular heritage like so many people in this region, if I buy two lottery tickets and one hits the Powerball, I can guarantee you that I will complain about the other not winning anything. Aye.

JB said...

JMHO = just mending her ostrich ?

Is that what we're calling it now?

Anonymous said...

Cycling Sins (1936)

Anonymous said...

Nyet.

Kikuyus > chinese > jews for cheapness.

Anonymous said...

Icycling

Regular guy said...

Boy, that Ritte is one drab Fredcycle. The bright green stem cap isthe only thing that keeps it from blending in completely with the faded browns and grays of early spring.

Fre Unchio said...

Anon @ 2:53.

I will not ride with anyone wearing a high lumen light on their healment. Every time they look at you, you're blinded. Unless they are one of those shoe-gazer types.

Anonymous said...

Sinning on a curly Hetchins!

RoadQueen said...

JB: As much as we talk about anything-anal around here, ya never know. Just My Honest Opinion

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

There always seem to be 69 comments when I sit down to read, but by the time I get to smirk about it, a couple of other people have stuck their oars in first

Crosspalms said...

Did you try turning off the comments? That ought to stop the squeaking.

Anonymous said...

doesn't that long stem create a 'tiller' effect Snob?

JB said...

TILR EFCT

Regular guy said...

Had a pull cord snap on a 10 horse Johnson (my favorite euphemism) on the other side of the lake once. Thank those on high for oars.

Anonymous said...

It's still early in the game, but Snobby's alma mater is hanging tough with heavily favored Florida.

Roille Figners said...

The Husq quit on me in the middle - I had that thing slathered with bar oil (wink), everything primed and heated up (nudge), the cord taut as a violin (thumbs-up) and I thought it was gonna jump ("OK" signal) but all it did was purr a bit (eyebrow) and go to sleep (grin).

that's when I took it to

the ntryuary

Fre Unchio said...

Butt Snobby's anal matter is hanging tough with heavily flavored oralfid

Roille Figners said...

Simply solve (nudge) the set of partial differential equations (wink) and use that as a predictor function (eyebrow) for the expected failure envelope (thumbs-up) of the longitudinal rebar/concrete interface (tongue wag).

Hence Nuxhaun said...

Retro grouch @2:19, I'm one, though I've not had the pleasure of meeting RQ. However, I don't like basketball, so I'm not sure how masculine I am within the cultural norm.

RoadQueen said...

Speaking of Anal, Intimacy and Butt Sex...

Regular guy said...

I learned long ago not to waste a minute of time smirking when 69 is coming up.

I think paddles are more appropriate than oars when it comes to pink canoes.

RoadQueen said...

Hence Nuxhaun:

The masculine comfort applies to hetero males. For you enlightened folk, the masculinity does not apply. Femininity? Maybe. Up to you and whatever floats your chocolate covered starfish. ;-)

DB said...

Crosspalms, 4:16.
Winner.

McFly said...

Good to know. I will say everything was going great while she was choking it.

Anon @2:53 aka flyover bc said...

Fre Unchio

From October to March, all my riding is in the dark.

I think more lumens are best when there's oncoming traffic, street lights that provide inadequate lighting, and right before dawn and after dusk.

I turn my head to avoid blinding oncoming riders (only 500 lumens).I also aim it into the cabin of cars on side streets to see if they are paying attention or to get their attention, and when crossing intersections. It's also useful for scanning unlit sections of path or road for animals who may and do bolt into my path.

The only time it's been a problem was when a coyote stood his ground in a narrow path because ( I assume) he was blinded by the light and couldn't tell what I was. We were about ten feet apart when he started walking up to me walk up to me to get a better look.

I finally persuaded him to move out of the path, by clanging the pump against the bike frame. Yelling at him wasn't getting the job done.

crosspalms said...

And now for something completely different: old photos. It's not quite this warm here yet, but that was shot in 1941 about a mile from my house.

I think the kid at lower right in this one might be nonplussed bib shorts guy's father. Nice WTF face there. Lower East Side, 1942.

And here's one for Babble. I think I count four bikes in it. Victoria BC in 1938.

I got sucked into that archive earlier today and it's a lot of fun to explore.

Anonymous said...

What do you call today's ride, Snobby? I hope it's nothing as prosaic as "the Ritte".

I propose it be dubbed the Ball-Gag bike. Whatever, it's the most righteous of your stable that I've seen so far, I'd say.

It's not faultless, of course, (WTF is it with you and preposterously coloured caps and spacers!?), but it's pretty good.

Two bottle cages, one bottle in the down tube cage: tick. Wacky bottle, though. Looks like an industrial chemical container.

Discreet cabling and livery: tick.

The saddle bag's a bit daggy. Talk to the Carradice people and see if you can't get some payola going. They make some nice bags and a classy handlebar bag for your Ball-Gag might be the go.

Finally, I'd get the handlebar tape to match the saddle!!! Controversial, I know, but the existing Ninja-black tape is just a little harsh on that bike.

Overall, you should be well pleased with yourself, thunder thighs.

Dave said...

Hello, Brooks? I'd like to order a Cambium C17 Limited Edition, numbered, and signed by Eric "The Chamferer" - what? Sold out already? Who bought them all? Some guy calling himself Rock Machine???
- danged semi-pro millionaire bloggers... what else have you got? A used saddle ridden nude by some washed-up stud Italian pro? Forget it. I'll just call Nashbar.

Regular guy said...

Wow cross, everyone seems to be nonplussed on the Lower East Side ca. 1942. Granted, times were tough then, but thems some serious folk.

I'm hoping to get sucked into my sweeties archive tonight. It's spring.

And anon @5:40, as I stated in an earlier comment, that bike is only visible because of the stem cap and bottle.

Hence Nuxhaun said...

RQ, are you questioning my heterosexuality? I may be enlightened but I'm not light in the loafers. I assure you, I prefer gliding along in a canoe.

JLRB said...

A nudge is as good as a wink to a bind bat

Know what I mean

Know what I mean

JLRB said...

Crosspalms at 3:58 - The Victoria BC photo actually only has 3 bikes in it - the last is an early 1/2 bike.

Regular guy said...

Those Victoria kids are milling about prior to the afternoon tweed ride.

Top said...

Bike vs truck. Saved by mattress.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4vj03ACU_d4

Regular guy said...

Some wisdom from my years as a bike mechanic and wheel builder.

Remember, after a winter of riding, lube stiff nipples before twisting them.

Anonymous said...

Someone's probably noticed you could use an old hacksaw handle and achieve the same effect.

Anonymous said...

There is a guy I know who has a Rivendell AND a cambium, together. The ads must be working Snob!

Anonymous said...

Ciento Uno !

vsk

wishiwasmerckx said...

Apropos of yesterday's post about New York's finest, will DiBlasio dismantle the Bloomberg stop and frisk Oprichniki?

DB said...

Crosspalms:
If the lake is only a mile from your house, you might live in River Forest?

ce said...

I currently have a good sized handful of wood chips from my Husqvarna down my underpants. They are scratching my scranus. Not a euphemism, just a fact that somehow seemed relevant.

Anonymous said...

Snob's school hung tough against the big time school. But the Great Danes got eaten by the Gators.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8:29pm,

Wait, what sport are we talking about?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Fre Unchio said...

ce, why did you place a handfull of woodchips in your underpants? Oh, that's obvious, your scranus itched, never mind.

Fre Unchio said...

What sport? Dog vs. reptile tug-o-war.

Fre Unchio said...

The 'Danes did well against the Iguanas, who had an easy time with the Yorkies. But the perennial tournament favorite Gators are chewing up the brackets once again.

Kurtis Blow said...

BikeSnobNYC @9:13
They're playing basketball
We love that basketball

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kurtis Blow,

Basketball is my favorite sport. I like the way they dribble up and down the court.

--Wildcat Rock Machine


Joe Lapchik said...

Whoa! Snob's local neighborhood school, the Manhattan College Jaspers, are giving the defending champion University of Louisville Cardinals a game!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Joe Lapchik,

I've been giving them some pointers.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

JB - XX :)

Crosspalms - I love it! Wait! Are those kids playing on cell phones?!

You've gotta love the groovy tunes on that iciclying video... and that thing actually seems to work, too!

ce said...

Fre Unchio, the wood chips made their own way down my pants. The real question is why I haven't removed them yet, they've been there since yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Gall, the stem on that thing.

Regular guy said...

The only basketball I ever liked watching was the old Harlem Globetrotters. Meadowlark Lemon, Geese Ausbie, and speaking of dribbling, who could match Curly Neal?

Laterne Rouge?

babble on said...

Anything is possible...

JLRB said...

I squeak therefore I am

McFly said...

I thought my SDG Alisio was making the crickets yesterday but turns out it was the QR seatpost junction that was the offender. Then the front caliper somehow got shoved over by the diks and it started up. Not sure I have ever ridden a MTB without an orchestra of chirps and OCD antagonists. Doing 30+ of the LBL tomorrow so maybe it will be Silence of the Srams.

JB said...

McFly: LBL - always jealous. Think about me, if you ride the Canal Loop.

Anonymous said...

When will Morrissey and the rest of these dumbass Kickstarters learn that the way to generate revenue via the interwebs is to have a semi-hot girl with 2 1/2" of cleavage do their presentation? For fucks sake.

JLRB said...

Spricht von Spaltung

McFly said...

Our plan is to meet at the North Welcome Station and shuttle (a fancy was of saying EVERYBODY IN THE HEMI) back to The Golden Pond Planetarium and embark on the North South Trail up to NWS. We will be right at the Canal Loop at the end but 30+ should be enough for me.

JB said...

JLRB: Thanks for the link.

I wasn't really an Amy Adams fan until I saw that movie (film?). Great acting, a powerful character, and that cleavage with those (unaltered) perfectly handful-sized...

JB said...

Many a one-guy* was enjoyed at the north welcome station parking lot.

*our slang: "want a one-guy?"

Anonymous said...

That's one great up-the-saddle shot, WCRM!

However, I wish you'd have shown the actual thigh rub action causing the squeak. I'd have learned a lot more from your extensive creak-stalking-silencing knowledge and experience.

One cannot know enough about silencing creaks, you know.