Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Ready, Set, Wednesday!

Hey.

So remember I was going to go on a "family adventure" to Grise Fiord, Canadia, but I couldn't find the directions on the G--gle Maps?  (If you don't, just to bring you up to date, I was going to go on a "family adventure" to Grise Fiord, Canadia, but I couldn't find the directions on the G--gle Maps.)  Well, I kept dragging the pin around, and the northernmost location to which I seem to be able to get bike directions is some place called "Chemin Laforge 1:"


If my high school French is still serving me well (and I believe that it is), "Chemin Laforge 1" means "Oven Shirt 1," and since it's only 1,434 miles from my manse I've decided that's where we're going to go:


Here's the cue sheet, which is pretty long:


Though it's still shorter than the one from the Rapha Gentlemen's Race.

Anyway, here's the expedition vehicle we'll be using, and I figure we'll head out tomorrow at about one-ish:


I'm packing a bag of pretzels, some juice boxes, a bottle of vodka, and an iPad.

Oh, and my axe, in case I have a hard time getting the pretzels open.

I also plan to get some health care while I'm up that way, since I've had a nagging bullet wound for awhile now but the treatment is prohibitively expensive.

One last question, though--do you actually need a passport at the Canadian border, or will they still accept a library card?

Unfortunately, my trip will force me to miss the Bicycle Film Festival--and by "unfortunately" I mean "fortunately" because I wasn't planning on going anyway.  There are two reasons you won't find me at the Bicycle Film Festival, and they are as follows:

1) There will be lots of cyclists there.  

Cyclists are like martinis: one is fine, two or three can make for a good time, but much more than that is going to make you puke;

2) There will be movies about cycling there.

Most fun things make good film subjects.  Take sex, for example.  People like to have sex, and people like to watch movies of other people having sex. For some reason though, cycling doesn't follow this rule, even when you combine it with sex--or, more accurately, especially when you combine it with sex.  To wit:


Yes, only someone from Portland could make both cycling and sex totally unappealing.

Anyway the trailers for this year's Bicycle Film Festival only prove yet again that cycling has no place in film.  Take romance, for example:



I mean, don't get me wrong, Keanu Reeves looks fantastic for a guy approaching fifty, but I'm still not going to see it--though a bicycle romance still seems more promising than a bicycle revenge fantasy:



I'd hate to break it to the filmmakers, but hit-and-run drivers are not tortured by guilt after they run down cyclists.  Instead, they just say to themselves, "Fuck it, he'll be fine," and then crank up the '80s Pop Hits on Sirius.

Of course, it is possible I'm too old to appreciate this sort of independent cinema, and fortunately the Festival also has films for the older demographic:


Apparently pennyfarthing owners are "caretakers of these bicycles" who must "pass them on to the next generation in equal or better condition then we received them:"



So basically, it's sort of an intergenerational bike share program.  Still, next year the Festival might want to consider addressing the vast demographic that exists between 20-somethings and Civil War veterans.

Oh, there's also going to be a movie about riding when it's cold:



See?  It's cold and they're riding bikes.

I'm looking forward to the sequel about riding bikes when it's hot.

Most exciting of all though is the long-awaited debut of the film "Murder of Couriers," which has been in the offing for years now.  It's the "Titanic" of messenger documentaries.  We've examined this before, but here's the latest trailer:



I actually transcribed all the text in this video and ran it through an online Canadian-to-English translator, which yielded the following:

It's all kind of like, you have to ride a bike? With stuff? And you have to bring the stuff to the people who are waiting for it, eh?  And then they have to sign a piece of paper for it?

And like, it's a totally hard job? But only because somehow we manage to totally overcomplicated this? Mostly because we're stoned out of our fucking minds? But also, like, sometimes the weather's shitty or whatever? But like we live in Canada so it's not like we have any actual problems that aren't weather-related?

I do acknowledge that there was a time when the world of the messenger was worth exploring, but that was last century, and since then about a thousand urban jobs for young people have supplanted it in terms of sheer hustle and badassitude.  For chrissake, times are hard and there are young people actually working their asses off out there!  Even the most "mundane" job is harder than being a bike messenger.  For example, have you ever been to a Chipotle in Midtown Manhattan?  I have, and what those guys can do behind the counter will blow your fucking mind.  Seriously, they are fucking drilled.  They must have made burritos for 50 people inside of five minutes--and with deadly accuracy, no putting on the wrong salsa or anything!  I was paid up and out the door before I even finished ordering, that's how fast they were.  So spare me the "'Whoah,' you know, 'I almost got hit by four different buses and I punched a jaywalker and almost shit my pants'" crap.  You don't sound like someone who gets to ride around Vancouver on a bike all day.  You sound like Mr. Magoo.

Only marginally less self-imporant are the bike messengers' distant cousins, the Tour de France cyclists.  Yes, apparently they're actually going to bother putting on another Tour this year, and Andy Schleck thinks he will be the "surprise of July:"

Nobody makes threats quite as ineffectually as Andy Schleck.  Remember when his tummy hurt that time?  That was nothing!  This time he's going to be the "surprise of July," which basically just sounds like a delicious dessert.

Speaking of the Tour de France, I've received exciting email from over-punctuated saddle manufacturer "fi’zi:k" that they're going to put animals on their riders' asses:

Each Team Cannondale rider will feature on the rear panel of their team shorts in place of the standard fi’zi:k logo their specific Spine Concept Animal, which best reflects their high performance on-bike fit. The Tourminator, Peter Sagan for example, will ride as a Bull as that’s the Spine Concept Animal which best fits Peter’s on-bike physique. 

If you're unfamiliar with their "spine concept," it's one of the most absurd marketing gimmicks in cycling, and what it essentially boils down to is that they help you find sort of a spirit animal for your scranus and then sell you a saddle accordingly.  If you're not grossed out yet just check out this video:



I mean, come on.  Are you fucking kidding me?  What kind of "Spine Concept Animal" is that?


They're going to have to blur that on the TV coverage.

105 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

ha ha

Anonymous said...

First time rider! er..writer?

ChamoisJuice said...

This Bike Is So Cool It Makes Me Want To Have Kids

pablo fleece said...

dropped on the final climb!

RANTWICK said...

Woohoo!

leroy said...

I thought Grise Fiord was Rob Ford's kid brother.

Live and learn.

Or as Mayor Ford might put it: Smoke crack and lose track.

RANTWICK said...

You know, that bike thing Juice posted really is pretty cool. Normally I hate bikey inventions. I don't hate this.

Anonymous said...

After all Quebec is home to the famous singer and velophile Wild Chat Roch Voisine.

Anonymous said...

Whoa. First video is 4:20 and it's Wednesday...

Yarpo said...

Dropped like a sack of rocks on a glass table!

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay!

One Hole said...

Poodyum

Do you ride like me?
Yeah, you go faster, I know,
But with a big smile?
~robcat~

ken e. said...

12!

Freddy Murcks said...

When's Day Weed anyone?

customs hildcu

Anonymous said...

bikes

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!

McFly said...

That Axe will also work great on the iPad. Because it has TouchScreen Technology.

McFly said...

MORETITTYTHEMEDAPOLOGIESORIMAFOOKINKILLYA!

(This is directed at the Commentariat)

Comment deleted said...

I'd check out all these videos if it weren't for the throbbing of this nagging bullet wound.

You Canadians don't know how good you have it, with your relative absence of flying lead.

dnk said...

I could have had a spot on the podium but I stopped and watched the "bike smut festival".

Now I am doubly sad.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Burlesque bike, not smut.

Anonymous said...

Chemin is road in French you moron. Stay in the city and don't come up north.

Anonymous said...

Mid Pack Fodder

Kelly said...

Ugh, real people naked.

Synonymous said...

Anyone have a video to post so I'll like sex again? You had to post that on Hump Day, too, snobs.

ChamoisJuice said...

Rantwick:

That contraption combines features of:

The tandem
the adult tricycle
the folding bike
and the baby stroller

Safe to safe, it is hard to imagine a less cool vehicle.

crosspalms said...

Lightning, thunder, rain, cats, dogs, bus. Did it stop raining as soon as I got to work? Of course.

As an amateur lawyer who wants to glom some of J.K. Rowling's money, I call bullshit on "spine concept" animals -- those are Patronuses. Expecto recompensionum!

leroy said...

Can a dog have a fi'zi:k spirit animal?

(Not asking for me. Asking for a friend. A friend whom I already told "yes, a sloth.")

ChamoisJuice said...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no control over my impulses

McFly said...

That bicycle rapist lady looks like she could use a spirit animal for her scranus.

The dude in the Pink pants gets the June Non-Plussed Award.

Anonymous said...

NICE TITS

RANTWICK said...

2 things.

Being a winter rider in Canada for years now, that bikewinter trailer seemed super lame.

Also, you said "Are you fucking kidding me?" about the fizik ad campaign. Saying that about ads is my bit. Stop stealing my material. Except that I'm squeaky clean, not using that terrible f word, because I am a woosie.

Lastly, nice one, Leroy.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 1:11 --

Well honestly, you're not fooling anyone.

I for one don't believe Mr. BSNYC is heading for "Street Shirt."

What kind of name is that for a town?

I don't mean to brag, but even my dog has to admit I'm not nearly as dumb as I look.

Hoser.

BamaPhred said...

Bike Smut video, like catching a glimpse of the Medusa, and what kind of spirit animal is that in the Fizik commercial? A dancing Johnson, or do I have it confused with the Bike Smut? I have to go stare at the sun to burn these images off my retinas.

Dennis said...

"and by "unfortunately" I mean "fortunately" "

I don't understand.

Anonymous said...

That bike smut video was disturbing.

McFly said...

Dang CJ you have some redeeming qualities. That was a well spent 4 min and 15 sec.

mikeweb said...

CJ @ 1:16,

I'm just glad someone finally found a good use for their GoPro.

A cyclist from Stockholm said...

I lost all interest in the bicycle film festival when the Swedish entry went public on the inter web last week. It was meant to win.

http://jalopnik.com/heres-a-man-having-sex-with-a-bicycle-560693402

A disappointed cyclist from Sweden.

McFly said...

.........make that 8 min and 30 sec.

Yarpo said...

I do NOT want my saddle to turn into a writhing, shape-shifting, scranus-invading, FUCKING SNAKE during my ride...especially on a steep and fast descent.

My scranus is well-puckered at the moment. I am scared.

Maybe Fizik should donate these awful things to Crazy Ex-Porn Star New Age Healer Lady and her 10-seat Flapping Wing Eagle-Spirit Hamster Bike, which will bring healing spiritual medicine to people who could just really use some tylenol and a well-rolled blunt or a strong martini with three (3) olives.

I'm going downstairs to the basement to do a saddle check RIGHT NOW because I AM SCARED!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if they ever got the bike seat out of that fat chick in the smut video?

Anonymous said...

How do find a fat girl's pussy?

A) Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
B) Look for the seat post sticking out.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Be careful, there will be a lot of huge logging trucks going really fast on Route 1055 and James Bay Road and Trans-Taiga Road.

Apart from that, all is fine, there is nothing but wild animals there.

So don't forget your mosquito repellent!

Bienvenue à la Baie James estie!

(sensational nrepart)

Roille Figners said...

Could it please be more fucked up than *F'i&Z:IK&^...

like maybe f(*&^(i*&@";:,><>izk

Rather than lengthy relationships I prefer

short rompfs

DB said...

Hey, New Yorkers:
Advise please: Fireworks from the Circle Line Pier thing for 94$, or the roof of the McKittrich Hotel on w 27th for 75$?.
If for some reason I get lost and end up in Times Square, do I tip Beer Man or Weed Man?
Thanks

Anonymous said...

the "Murder of the Couriers" trailer is hilarious. It's good to see that bike messengers in Canada are as eloquent as they are in the US. I was a messenger way back in the day during college, I was one of the few people there without a prison record. It was not a glamorous job.

Grin Reaper said...

The Portland video answers the question about loving your bike too much. Yes you can! On the flip side, it just might be the natural way of keeping things lubed. Do you think Freds" do that shit in private?

ChamoisJuice said...

How do you find the pussy on a fat girl?


Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

fhfr436 said...

I like the left-side drivetrain in "Hopeless Romantic. It's probably just reversed film footage, but it's actually possible with a fixed gear.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Andy SChleck is a TdF contender this year? I thought he was serving out a doping ban resulting from secondhand exposure to xipamide from his brother Frank (the one who spells his name with the two dots above the "a").

This is all so hard to keep track of...

RoadQueen said...

Man....

1. Epic Adventures, Check.
2. Family Theme, Check.
3. Porn, Check.
4. Bike Porn for double points (even though I'm pretty sure it almost killed my sex drive for, like, ever.) Check.
5. Scranus/Vulvanus rests made out of invasive animal spirit infused materials??

CHECK.

Welp, I'd say this post has it all.

Thanks Snob!

ordayne comes <--- captcha, heh heh. Appropriate? Yes.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Do those hipsters ever bathe? They are all dirty, the lot of 'em...

CommieCanuck said...

Exactly who couriers anything any more? Don't these office buildings have the interweb? or are all those computers just fakes like the ones at Ikea?

After "Premium Rush", all bike movies should have been banned, but that big powerful bike lobby just rams these things down our throat.

"I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can't stop. Don't want to, either."

"Just runnin' reds and killin' peds."

" You can e-mail it, FedEx it, fax it, scan it, but when none of that shit works and this thing has to be at that place by this time, you need us."

Snob couriers this blog every day to Chinatown were children painstakingly set every letter.

CommieCanuck said...

It's pronounced FrAWHnk.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rhymes with honk.

P. Bateman said...

what kind of show is that? i mean the one where the guy gets naked and his rotund assistant is naked and standing behind him staring into his anus? was she fitting him for a saddle? my heavens, we really need to bring back factory jobs to give some people something to do.

babble on said...

That's my kind of animal that's what it is.

Dooth said...

"Old man look at my life
I'm a lot like you were"

babble on said...

Ewwwww. That's the anti-smut.

g. said...

Makes me think of this scene:

Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."

Igor: You're putting me on.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."

Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."

Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen."

Igor: I see.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.

[He pronounces it ee-gor]

Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."

Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

Roille Figners said...

Chemin is road in French you moron. Stay in the city and don't come up north.

Also, you moron, it's not called Canadia, his name's not really Bret, it's spelled "helmet," it's spelled "hipster," it's spelled "carbon fiber," it's spelled "bakfiets," they're called "drop bars," "mountaining" is not a word, and "fingerbang" actually means something else. You moron. Stay in your current location and do not approach my location.

crosspalms said...

Roille,
Next you'll tell us there's no Eric the Chamferer.

$8,000 Genersac, sounds like a new Serotta

ChamoisJuice said...

Top 10 favorite NY Jews:

1. Larry David
2. Mel Brooks
3. Woody Allen
4. Jon Stewart
5. Howard Stern
6. Billie Crystal
7. Adam Sandler
8. Jasmine Bleeth
9. BSNYC
10. David Berkowitz

ge said...

Anon 1:11, spoken like a true Quebecois, well, except for all the English words.

Snob, do you really want to ride your bike into America's North Korea? Without even trying, I found a 4700+ mile route to Inuvik. But if you're anywhere near as lazy as I am, you'll stick with Chemise Tachée de Sueur, or whatever that place was called. Bon Chance.

Anonymous said...

Chamois giz, what? No Rodney Dangerfield, no Richard Lewis, No James Caan...fuck outta here!

Anonymous said...

Chamois giz, what? No Rodney Dangerfield, no Richard Lewis, No James Caan...fuck outta here!

wishiwasmerckx said...

A brief training exercise for watching the TdF:

Tapping out a rhythm...

Turned himself inside out...

Open up the suitcase of courage...

He's in a spot of bother...

Oh, my, he's ridden into the carpark...

The colored fellow...

He'll be paying for this effort tomorrow...

That chateau was built in 1547...

One by one, he's peeling away his competitors, and now he's all alone on the slopes of...

The riders will have to look out for that traffic furniture...

There's a dangerous left-hand corner less than a kilometer form the line which may cause fits for the leadout trains...

I'm hearing on race radio that there has been a crash at the 135 kilometer mark. We don't know if any of the favorites have been swept up in it or delayed...

And the team car has sent several of his teammates back to help him chase to catch back on. He should have no problem reaching the back of the peloton...

What an unfortunate time in the race to have a puncture...

The race comissars have ordered the team cars out of the gap, and our computers are telling us that the breakaway should be caught with about 12 kilometers to go...

He's racing like a man possessed...

Study this list and you should be able to pick up the action in an instant no matter what time you tune in to the coverage of Phil and Paul.





Lumpen Fredetariat said...

wiwm - or watch it with the sound off, or not watch it at all, which is what I wished I had done with the Bike Smut...
I had no idea that YouTube allowed full frontal though, I thought you had to go to Vimeo for that.

Anonymous said...

I like the guy in the Murder of Messengers video who says, Get a job with a tie? No way! Yeah, no shit, snaggletooth.

The trouble these days is it's too easy to make movies. Oh for the days of Super 8 and having to edit actual film! That would suppress a lot of these efforts including, one would have hoped, that Portland Bike Sex video. I'm slightly thankful that the music didn't get stuck in my head, only the images. Oh the horror!

Planning my ride to Chemin du Merde d'Chien.

Miss guthopta <--half the reason I read this blog is for the Captchas. It's like Miss Bike Smut made up this one.

Comment deleted said...

Actually, WIWM, I think that fills my TdF need completely, so now I can skip the coverage. Thanks.

DB said...

Snob, if you want to go someplace a little closer that is still named in French, consider Des Moines, which in French means, The Moines.

Anonymous said...

Cyclists are like martinis: one is fine, two or three can make for a good time, but much more than that is going to make you puke

Goddamn that's true.

McFly said...

wiwm, that was awesome but you forgot Make-Up Bag Full of Excuses.

And Vaginal Shoreline. Peta will be present.

Anonymous said...

Dancing on the pedals...

Yeah, I forgot Seinfeld, Sarah Silverman, Lenny Bruce, Moe from the 3 stooges...

Rob Fords Travel Advice said...

BABBLE lives in Canada so If you want a bike adventure north of the border I suggest bag whatever the hell the name of the place was and instead peddle your ass on over to Babble's digs in Vancouver. Now that would be a ride ending in an "epic adventure".

Comment deleted said...

CJ, try the despoiling of innocents schtick again; I think the Jew thing has run its course, and you're not going to get the attention you so desperately crave.

mikeweb said...

I like how Snob comes in second to last ahead of Berkowitz though... nice touch.

LeMarion "Mitty" Morrison said...

I am my own bicycle cinema.

I was mountain biking over an earthquake scarp when, all at once, six spokes on my rear wheel broke.
The rear wheel was so tac-oed that I had to carry the bike. (I would not abandon my steed in the field.) Just then a horrendous thunderstorm burst upon that corner of the valley. I sought dry refuge under a small tree (not recommended) as the downpour and lightning engulfed me...

The Power of Cinematic Imagery.

[This event is true but occurred in a metropolitan area with a population of one million. The local EQ scarp has not been active for ~300 years and has eroded and been paved. The wheel spokes failed because I had previously overstressed them by carrying too many bags of bark mulch on the rear rack. The tree I sought refuge under was itself under much higher urban high-tension lines that presumably would have taken the lightning strike. After the rain stopped I rolled the bike home (3/4 of a mile) on the front wheel and discovered that I had a new Comp/Nashbar! alloy/cassette rear in the garage]

Anonymous said...

I recon the pretty lady should have knobbier tyres. Probably she ought to ditch leisure suit Larry too.

leroy said...

Well thanks for almost ruining the TdF for my dog, wishiwasmerckx.

You could have at least posted a spoiler alert.

Now I have to lend him beer money for three weeks so each stage will be a surprise.

Thor the Invincible said...

I'm glad I have a cat because I would not want a Great Dane to walk across my laptop keyboard and then lounge against the cooling fan vent.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Wildcat, you were not courteous today. for lob's sake, at least let us know that the smutty porn bicycle humping vid is not safe for work! or just type with your pinkie as you eat your fruit loops: NSFW.

wishiwasmerckx said...

NSFW doesn't begin to do it justice. I am still pouring bleach on my eyeballs, but as they say, that which has been seen cannot be unseem.

Mr Plow said...

My favorite: and he's off like a scalded cat!

Peter Allan said...

Inuvik Canada is way more North and its theoretically ridable from Brooklyn. I planned it once for a car trip, but wussed out and flew to Fairbanks for the start. It was fun. It's actually in the Arctic. We saw a cyclist in the last 300 miles. Grizzly bears are the top predator, and Canada won't let you take a gun, so that's the food-chain there. If you go near the Solstice the sun shines all day.

jerkin'is'werkin said...

Is "Here Be Dragons" in the Canadian colorway? Cuz,that would be tits. You know what I mean? Also,NSFW really is a neat acronym, but my boss is a hot milf, and I like when she looks over my shoulder. Deeks Thoofi

McFly said...

I bet Paula Deen sends Aaron Hernandez a personal thank you letter, "Hey wetback thanks for getting the light off of me!"

crosspalms said...

I keep looking at those directions and picturing you walking out your front door, spotting Bob and Doug and asking if they know the way to Greasy Ford (sp?) and them saying "oh, ya, you get on James Bay Road, eh? And just keep going to the end? You can't miss it, it's the only thing there."

McFly, I'll put extra butter on my toothbrush tonight in solidarity with Paula Deen.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cool documentary on msnbc right now called "100 Years Of The Tour De France".

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sorry, that's NBC Sports Network. Channel 1323 on Time Warner cable.

wanting to stay anonymous said...

I read all the comments and decided to watch the video anyway and now I'm all, like, WTF. Hope I don't have nightmares.

DB said...

Thanks, Recumbent!
Missed the first half hour, but thanks to you I'm on it.
Love Pantani.
Pretty great show so far. Lots of coverage I've not seen before.

Rob Smith said...

before you set off, bear in mind that you can save yourself 7 miles (and one hour) going via the trans taiga road...

Anonymous said...

Everyone in NY is a jew.

Anonymous said...

Everyone who comes to New York City becomes a little bit Jewish by osmosis.

ChamoisJuice said...

#8 Yasmine Bleeth (Baywatch compilation)

Anonymous said...

Shoshanna Lonstein

Comment deleted said...

C

Anonymous said...

I thought the chubby burlesque chick in the BikeSmut video was pretty hot!

sohbet said...

thank you from turkey

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your blog is very nice.

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Alycia said...

This is cool!