Wednesday, January 2, 2013

So What Year Are We On? And Is There A Prime?

Well, the holidays are over.  The Christmas trees have been hurled from the window for mulching.  The Hanukkah Menorahs have been sprayed with fire extinguishers.  (You gotta make sure that shit is out!)  The Kwanzaa whatevers have been whatevered.  And the aluminum Festivus poles have been welded into Jamises, or Jamii.  ("Buy It If: You want a race-ready bike but don't want to pay carbon prices," says Bicycling magazine, if you've actually managed to read the whole review without falling asleep.)  Also, hopefully by now you're finished puking your guts out after New Year's Eve.

With that, we can finally turn our attention to 2013, which I'm sorry to say is already shaping up to be the Worst Year Ever.

First of all, there's this fiscal cliff deal.  Here's a fiscal cliff:


("Dude, that fiscal cliff would be totally rideable on a 650b!"--Some mountain bike dork)

This deal really F-U-C-K-double-hockey-sticks me, since the payroll tax is still going up:


As you can see, the article includes a calculator that tells you how much more you're going to pay this year, and I was aghast to learn that I'll be paying an additional $2,274:

You may be surprised to learn I have an annual pretax income of $1 million, but keep in mind the rest of my money goes directly to my shell corporation in the Cayman Islands (it's called Wildcat Rock Machine's In-Your-Face-IRS Enterprises, Inc.), and therefore it doesn't count.

Anyway, just to show you how unfair this is, consider some loser who makes ten times less money than me:

("100K?!?  Loser!"--Some douchebag who just bought a condo in Williamsburg)

See that?  I have to pay $274 more than them!  That's just F-U-C-K-double-hockey-sticked up!  Do you have any idea how much I could stimulate the economy with almost three hundred extra bucks?  I was going to buy 30 spheres of Glace Luxury Ice for my morning cocktails!  Oh well, enjoy your recession.    At this point I may just pull a Gerard Depardieu and split for Belgium:


Monseiur Depardieu Depar-don't wanna pay more taxes--but at least he's wearing a helment.

Also, I'm sorry to report that my New Year's Day ride did not portend a successful 2013, and indeed it was downright ominous.  Obviously, cycling tradition dictates that you're supposed to take a New Year's Day ride, and obviously also your New Year's Day ride is a metaphor for the way plan to approach the coming year.  For example, some people get up early and ride their guts out with a bunch of other Freds, which represents wasted effort and the delusion that somehow things are going to turn out differently in 2013.  Meanwhile, other people--like me, for instance--slowly pick their way along straight paths by themselves because they're cautious, they fear change, they have no friends, and they realize that life is nothing but an inexorable creep towards some meaningless vanishing point:


(Whatever.)

Things were going well until about an hour in, at which point I suddenly exploded in an attack of hives.   I was so itchy I tried to capture a squirrel and put it under my jersey, which is what's commonly called an "Appalachian Backscratcher."  Unfortunately I was unsuccessful and had to go home, where I did the same thing with the cat.  (That's commonly called the "Single Person's Backscratcher."  Of course, I'm not single, but that's only because I don't do stuff like make my better half touch my hives.  How's that for relationship advice?)

Then, this morning, when I was vacuuming the pine needles from my Christmas Tree off the floor, the retractable cord on the vacuum returned to the canister with such speed that I was nearly killed by the whiplash of the plug.  Thank goodness I was wearing my vacuuming helment, and if only New York State didn't have such draconian gun laws I would have been able to shoot the vacuum in self-defense for good measure.  Still, I was so frightened that I simply left the rest of the needles on the floor, and I just tell the children that they're Santa's toenail clippings.

2013 should be a great year.

Speaking of riding bikes, you know how when you ride one of those bikes with the curved handlebars like they have in the Tour de France how you're not supposed to wear underpants but instead you're supposed to wear these stretchy tights like David Lee Roth in the "Jump" video?  Well, somebody representing the stretchy tight company Castelli sent me a whole entire Fred suit and you'll never believe what it says in the crotch:


I'm pretty sure I mentioned this chamois some time ago and I was delighted to discover that it's real.  "Viscous Comfort Zone" sounds like a euphemism for any number of salacious things, and I'm reasonably sure it's also what Mario Cipollini named his waterbed.  As if that wasn't enough, look what else it says above the "Castelli:"


I won't tell you on which body part Mario Cipollini sports a "Continuous Variable Thickness" tattoo, but I will tell you that it only says "Coss"--until he gets close to the "Viscous Comfort Zone."

By the way, if you're wondering if the "Viscous Comfort Zone" with it's "Continuous Variable Thickness" is comfortable, the answer is "Yes," especially in comparison to my Fred suit, which consisted of full-body long underwear with a throw pillow duct-taped into the crotch.  (That's called an "Appalachian Skinsuit.")

Meanwhile, in other marketing news, I'd like to introduce a segment I call "Wildcat Rock Machine's Bicycle Industry Trend Predictions For The Year 2013," and here's the theme music for that segment which I produced at incredible expense:



At $75,000 that video wasn't cheap, but hopefully it's tax-deductible.

Anyway, "Wildcat Rock Machine's Bicycle Industry Trend Predictions For the Year 2013" is all about predicting bicycle marketing trends for the year 2013, even though everyone already knows what those trends are going to be because they went to Interbike.  I, however, did not go to Interbike, nor do I pay any attention to it, so everything that happens this year is going to be News To Me.  Plus, the real pulse of the cycling industry beats on Kickstarter.  Last year, you may have noticed the big trend on Kickstarter was to build a better bike light.  Well, this year I predict it's going to be all about horns:




The inventor of the Orp Smart Horn alerted me to his fundraising efforts, and my favorite part of the video was where he said, "I think when they get Orp in their hands they're going to be really excited."  Perhaps, but will they be as excited if they get Orp in their hair?  Because that's something that can happen at the end of a date with Mario Cipollini.

Nevertheless, despite various claims that the horn is the key to rider safety, I remain unconvinced--though I do think that some sort of Bluetooth device that allowed you to connect with a driver's smartphone might work.  Ambiguous sounds probably won't keep that driver from drifting into your lane, but an "On your right, cocksucker!" emanating from their iPhone might just do the trick.  

No matter what, as a cyclist you'll never command as much attention as a driver's smartphone, so speaking through them is our only hope.

108 comments:

3G said...

Gonna be a good year!

Anonymous said...

POOD UMMM

velobotomy said...

3rd?

babble on said...

Welcome back, Snobbums. We sure missed you... xo xo

JB said...

2nd group...

tridorkable said...

Top Ten. Happy New Bicycle Cycling Year to All!

streepo said...

scranus

Blog Drafter said...

Top ten anyway.

Rollie Fingers said...

BACK TO WORK, SNOB!

*sound of whip cracking*

I am an amused engine said...

viscous comfort zone, sounds like a good name for a band.

samh said...

What a good year.

dirtbag said...

top ten?

P. Bateman said...

top 20? hurray! i'm going to celebrate by rubbing my viscous zone furiously. i'll be thinking of you 'ROCK Machine of Love.

Sir Bradley Cuntings said...

Happy new year Snobbers old bean!

RB1 said...

a viscous is a small animal like a chamois, or an ocelot.

babble on said...

Oooh rock machine of love... that's good!

Anonymous said...

New year. Back in the peleton.

cycle

crosspalms said...

orp

Anonymous said...

BTW - now that new york has its own storage wars show, you guys are really on the map. Nice going.

cycle

babble on said...

Don't you like a good cocksucking, Snob? Cocksuckers are good things. Cunts are good, too- you can't have a viscous comfort zone without one.

I think 2013 will have to be the year we come up with better insults.

crosspalms said...

smorn?

Buffalo Bill said...

That is a really good idea! Sadly I doubt you could get it into the app store.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Isn't there some unwritten rule that "Eruption" is never to be played unless it's followed by "You Really Got Me"?

RAPHA RULES said...

TEAM SKY CHOOSES RAPHA

The IRS said...

2013 is going to be an even worse year when we begin our investigation into payments made to your Cayman Island account

Anonymous said...

Another mid-pack fodder fill-in-the-space-here-while-someone-beats-me-out-of-the-top XXV spot-post.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome back Wildcat. I haven't laughed so hard since last year!

Here's another little trick us fabulously rich guys like me and snob use when we buy those ridiculous mega yachts. When we meet with the broker to seal the deal we take a little test cruise out into international waters to sign the papers. That way no sales tax. After that its a quick voyage over to the caymans to register the boat. Then we can hire foriegn nationals as crew and don't have to pay tax and SS on them.

It's almost more trouble than its worth.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Salt water is hard on bicycles. That's whats nice about a folder. You can fold it up and stow it in the cabin down below.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Viscous scranus.

dcee604 said...

Happy New Year to you all!

Frilly said...

Thanks, Snobbie, for the first pic. I've been on the fence about an MTB. Well, that takes care of that.

And let me know how you trained your cat to scratch on command. Mine are sneaky about such things.

ken e. said...

happy new year y'all!

Anonymous said...

Scranus enhancement appointment scheduled this morning.

Ride or die

jayteepee said...

At first, I thought it was "vicious comfort zone" which is how the chamois of every pair of bargain bin stretchy shorts from Nashbar should be labeled.

Anonymous said...

Dang, I need that continuous variable thickness crotch thingy.

The two I now own are, respectively, nominal variable thickness and ordinal variable thickness.

I'm going to skip the interval variable thickness and go straight to continuous variable.

Jasonrides said...

Welcome back. I'm looking forward to another year of cycling satire.

Velocodger said...

Mr WRM,
Do I sense post-parental existential angst amongst the bons mots?

flyover bike Commuter said...

I'll make a biking prediction for 2013.

My brother is going to ask me to go for a ride with him while he rides either his recumbant or his new recumbant trike.

I will say no.

Unless, he gets a service monkey so that the reason he is on a recumbant trike is obvious to onlookers. That way I won't have to endure another explanation of the virtues of the aforementioned vehicles.

Synonymous said...

You should have put a sewer rat under your jersey, aka the NYC (or New Jersey) back scratcher.

JB said...

Oh, Frilly don't be silly.

Anonymous said...

I thought there was going to be more about the hives.

Anonymous said...

So that's where Shakespeare got the "undiscovered country" thing: from the Orp guy.

Vegas said...

Chamois Butter Scranus Time!
Chamois Butter Scranus Time!
Chamois Butter Scranus Time!
Where u at? Where u at? Where u at?
:banana:

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @1:59

Thanks for the mathematical bike related humor.

I had some old team shorts with a step-function variable thickness chamois. Felt like there was a pencil tapped the length of your scranus. Not nearly as comfortable as it sounds.

Dooth said...

Those Castelli's are defective...there should a slit in the middle of the Viscous Comfort Zone.

Rollie Fingers said...

Continuous variable thickness ain't shit once you've had 2nd-order partial differential asymptotic variable thickness. Though of course you only start to reap the benefits as the length of your scranus approaches infinity.

Vegas said...

Anon 2:31, more about The Hives: The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So

Dooth said...

I must BE in the middle...of a two-day hangover.

grog said...

Welcome Home. Got Babe?
That was Sid Viscous on kazoo?
Scratching hives Gangnam style.

Cipo said...

Depardieu should be exempt. They didn't tax Babe for all the corn and potatos, did they?

babble on said...

JB- that last photo? What happened there, was it raining Freds and Barneys?


Anonymous said...




Rollie Fingers said...
"Continuous variable thickness ain't shit once you've had 2nd-order partial differential asymptotic variable thickness. Though of course you only start to reap the benefits as the length of your scranus approaches infinity".

Or, for all practical purposes, the length of your scranus doesn't exceed the space between your scrotum and anus.

P. Bateman said...

and by the way, variable thickness ain't gonna cut it. it needs to simply be thick to work right. hope you are up to the task Wild Rock Hard.

babble on said...

Oh! Nearly forgot to wish you all a Happy New Year!

(must be the whiskey)

babble on said...

Variable thickness is a fact of life, though, sunshine...
it's up to you to make it work.

Like, every dumfuk said...

Even tho I never made no more than $13,000 a year, I plans on makin $1 milliun soon, that's why I votes Republicans. Plus. I can keep my semi -automatic explodin' rounds bullets for ..uh..huntin. Mo guns.

babble on said...

...and in this instance, all the fun is in trying!

CommieCanuck said...

"...the length of your scranus doesn't exceed the space between your scrotum and anus."

But some Swissish guys used the Hadron collider to prove that the scranus can transcend time in the infinite dimension. At least, That's what I got from those billions spent.

CommieCanuck said...

"...the length of your scranus doesn't exceed the space between your scrotum and anus."

But some Swissish guys used the Hadron collider to prove that the scranus can transcend time in the infinite dimension. At least, That's what I got from those billions spent.

CommieCanuck said...

You know, in France, most weemen consider Gerard Depardieu sexy.
This is why I could never be gay.

CommieCanuck said...

Whoa..Good New Year's bash..still seeing double.

Anonymous said...

whelp, no laughs from me while reading bsnyc today. Bad way to start the new year.

mikeweb said...

I went for my NYD ride a day late. I can tell by the click-click emanating from my bottom bracket area that it's going to be an awesome 2013.

Rollie Fingers said...

CC - you're right, and furthermore, as your scranus approaches the speed of light, it shrinks, leading to what scientists call the Scranal Paradox.

Rollie Fingers said...

I need a fiscal hang-glider. Or a fiscal rapelling rig.

Or no actually, I'm already at the bottom. I climbed down gradually via the fiscal canyon nearby. I'm down there on the fiscal beach waving to everyone else, "C'mon down you guys! Let's get fiscal!"

bikesgonewild said...

...i actually rode into the new year & whilst largely symbolic, i did do it...

...still hang-doggin' under the weather, i set up the trainer, hooked up the one-speed bianchi with the yellow 'stfu smileyface' hanging off the back of the selle italia & slowly pedaled across the great divide & a ways beyond...

...somebody hadda do it...that would be me...

grammar nazi said...

"way plan" = "way you plan?"

wishiwasmerckx said...

To start off 2013:

Q: Why doesn't a bicycle stand up on its own?

A: Because it's two tired.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BSNYC hardly makes anything off of this blog. He gets to a cool mil a year from selling shrimp out the back of a van.

Yarpo said...

Happy New Scranacular Year!

New Year's Day ride: mid-day, only slightly hungover, with new Sidi's from Sanna Claws for Fred-rific effect, beautiful and cold. BGW, I hope you are able to play outside soon with these clear days we're getting. May you get well fast.

wishiwasmerckx said...

My new years resolution is to teach proper estate planning techniques to the Nigerians.

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, yarpo...clinic, tests, whatever it takes & ya, right now it's a spectacularly beautiful winter day out there...

...my funkiness extends to the point of actually giving up my sf bulls hockey ticket tonight...

...sheesh...

babble on said...

Commie Canuck - I LOVE it!! YES!! it does transcend time, for sure, if you rub it just right...

and Rollie- just the term Scranial Paradox makes me tingle all over. Thank you.

Tarvia Face MacDouche' said...

Friends don't let friends ride recumbent.

Frilly said...

Are you trying to scare me JB?

Pic 1: Me running into the back of the guy I was riding with--very short-lived relationship. Hmmm.
Pic 2: Could happen anytime I put one foot in front of the other. Not especially graceful.
Pic 3: wth?!? Why kerin is out of the question.
Pic 4: My BUMP ain't that big!

Rollie Fingers said...

Hey Babs, if you liked that, you should see what happens with an Archimedes' Peri-Vulvanal Transform!

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

I have a lizard skin crotch in my biking trousers, it's called a chameleois.

annonymoose said...

New Years Resolution down the floor drain...

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. The way I understand it is, that as the scranus(or taint, as the case may be) travels at speed of light, it ages more slowly.

Or will it be subjected to forces that are essentially the same as gravity as it accelerates, with somewhat predictable results.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, a bigger better bike horn won't assist me as I eschew the bike lane and ride on the street with other vehicles as is my right under the U.S. constitution, unless it sounds like that of a semi-tractor. Now that would not only attract a lot of attention but might also cause a lot of confusion. Until then I will have to rely on my brightly coloured cycling sweater, sporting the names of companies that I paid to advertise for.

Synonymous said...

Labeling that thing a "continuous variable thickness" is an ostentatious waste of verbage. (Ironical, isn't it?)

They should have called it

"ANALog DIMENSIONS",

which is a catchy phrase that hints at it's purpsoe and the way it functions.

ANALog DIMENSIONS also provides an interesting contrast to the Binary chamois, which either is thick, or it isn't.

I guess "Digital" somthing-er-other would be a relatively trendy name for that pad. The only problem is that the market segment might well be limited mostly to women and proctologists.

Duns Scrotus said...

A chamois is a mountainous goat with two very long, curved horns.

I'll have no such thing in may shorts.

Anonymous said...

scranORPus

Anonymous said...

Ha.
Math humor.
Always funny, never gets old.

babble on said...

It IS so funny. Thank you, Snob. :)

Jed said...

BUY IT IF:
You're bored with what you have, and masturbation has become a chore.

babble on said...

Holy Fucking mother of God that's quite the sliding tax scale you've got going on down there. I thought you were just messing with us, snob, that you cooked the jpeg for fun.

I laughed so hard with you today, but that's not funny.

J said...

I've heard 'on your right' before but without that disturbing affix; a motorist screamed out 'keep pedaling, bitch' once. It was very frightening with being on a purple foldie and all :(

Happy New Fears to all!

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leroy said...

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Thank goodness I have a whole year.

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leroy said...

Note to self: find out if Century podium counts if you draft a spam lead out train

93...

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babble on said...

Oh dear, Jed.
I dread to think of the day I no longer wanted to flick the bean, but if that sorry day ever did roll around, I can think of a few things I'd rather explore first....

bikesgonewild said...

...ummm, well leroy...

bikesgonewild said...

...this isn't really my usual style...

bikesgonewild said...

...but sometimes ya just do what ya gotta do to reach...

bikesgonewild said...

...100...

bikesgonewild said...

...& no, dammit, i'm not talking about my birthday...

Cipo said...

Hair? Hair?? Hair??? I may sue for def of charchter. There are 10's of thousands of, shall we say "eye witnesses", who can attest that I've never missed a face in my life.

Hey, how come Leroy's dog has nothing to say? Did he run away from home and he's shacked up with some bitchin bitch?

leroy said...

Got a post card from my dog who is staying at the Fontainebleu Bleu in Miami Beach.

Somehow I just know this is gonna get pricey.

Hope he's using Miami's Deco bike share program to get around.

Anonymous said...

Eruption on kazoo is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot of stupid, such as in the mirror every morning.

JB said...

No Frilly. I'm trying to get you on a mtn bike. The roads are just as dangerous, if not more, and you've mastered them!

babble on said...

Leroy- Maybe he's hanging with Mcfly... I hear he's got a soft spot for dogs.

babble on said...

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