Monday, December 10, 2012

A Word Of Advice: Beating Your Sword Into A Ploughshare Can Make You Go Blind

From time to time I'm am getting the emails, and the "Blog Douche Handbook" that which is my bible says you should always answer your emails publicly on your own blog (it's called "cyber dickwagging"), so I'm going to do so right now in bulk:

--Yes
--Yes
--No fucking way
--French toast
--650b
--One online dictionary defines it as "The area on a man's body found between the scrotum and anus. Also known as 'the seams of life' because if one tears his scranus his soul will fall out."
--No, it's common knowledge the Canadians were behind the Kennedy assasination
--649

That should about cover it.  If you're one of the three (2) people who has emailed me in the last week or so and asked me a question, just pick the answer you like best and go forth edified and replete with knowingness.

Moving on, there are a lot of different kinds of cars in New York City, and if you ride a bike you're bound to get hit by one of them sooner or later.  Sometimes that car is your typical Nissan Altima with Florida plates and a gigantic "Brooklyn" decal on the rear windshield to make sure you know they're not actually from Florida and just register their car there illegally for the cheap insurance, and sometimes that car is some sort of secret vehicle with untraceable plates right out of the TV show "Homeland"--or at least that's what one hit-and-run victim is claiming:


His lawyer, Steve Vaccaro, also didn't get any hits for the license plate number for the Chevrolet Monte Carlo: "It doesn't exist, so who knows what that means," Newman said. They do have one other potential lead on what organization the driver might work for: the accident occurred near a federal building, so he speculates that it may have been an FBI car. They're still pursuing the NYPD angle, but it's confusing: "I picked up the accident report, we have to file the criminal complaint. We're just not sure where to bring it to."

I only hope the authorities manage to find the driver so that they can let her go immediately.  By the way, proximity to an FBI field office aside, it's worth noting that cars with bullshit plates and emergency flashers driven by homicidal idiots account for only 75% of motor vehicles in the metropolitan area, so that should narrow things down not at all.

Also, this is only tangentially relevant, but awhile back I was IN MY CAR THAT I OWN (I'm not ashamed of owning a car, this is AMERICA dammit!) a few blocks north of that very intersection, when who should I see riding a bicycle but David Byrne, who does not own a car.  He cut a handsome figure in a monochromatic outfit of some kind, and as he approached the red light at 10th Avenue he rode right through it.  Naturally, this being New York City, there was like fast-moving oncoming traffic and stuff, and so he was forced to stop in the middle of the lane and then did that awkward thing people do on bikes where they put their feet down and sort of push themselves along like a toddler on a balance bike, thus Froggering his way across the busy thoroughfare.  If I were in that position I might have instead just waited at the light with my chin held aloft in a patrician fashion and let everybody else gaze upon my elegant attire as they considered my musical and artistic accomplishments, but I guess I don't know that much about riding bikes or projecting an air of urbane sophistication.

Speaking of David Byrne, who does not own a car, he also designs user-unfriendly bike racks, though a reader informs me that someone in Seattle is giving him a run for his smugness:


I wish someone would ask me to design a bike rack already, because mine would be so much better:


Ideally they'd install it in Seattle and position it so it was humping that stupid squid.

Of course, if you appreciate art like I do, you probably also appreciate valuable antiques, and another reader recently informed me that an antique anatomic saddle has sold for 251 pounds, which is almost 114 kilograms:


Note the dimensions:

8 inch in length, 
8.25 inch wide. 
Oval central aperture 3 x 1 inch.

Which take on suggestive anatomical overtones if A) you look at the photo, and B) your sense of humor stopped evolving in the 8th grade:


I can't help wondering if the explanation for the high selling price is that someone's piecing together a steampunk sex doll and they wanted a sumptuous hand-stitched leather "central aperture' for some period-correct pleasure.  If so they should complete the sex doll with this head, which is a bargain at $900:


Sure, you can scoff at the notion of using an antique leather seat for this purpose, but it's a real upgrade to the uncomfortable "clockwork vagina" you'll find as stock equipment on most steampunk sex dolls:


(Seen here.)

I realize I'm getting old, but I don't know how we used to live in a time when we couldn't just plug the term "steampunk mannequin" into a popular search engine and get a bazillion results.  We didn't even have steampunk in those days!  Sure, we had steam and we had punk, but nobody had thought to put the two things together, not even the huge nerds who would have been into such a thing.  Amazing.

Speaking of "clockwork vagina," when I start a bike brand that will almost certainly be the name of the time trial model.  As for the road bike, I'd love to call it the "Maillot Jaundice," but apparently someone has beaten me to it, for this was recently spotted by yet another reader in Fitzroy, Melbourne, which I think is up there in Canada somewhere:


Lastly, I'm glad I left Brooklyn when I did, because apparently the hipster invasion was merely the first wave of a full-scale alien invasion:


The onlookers seem amazed that the lights aren't moving, but it's pretty obvious to me that they're trackstanding.

119 comments:

Anonymous said...

PODIUM, BEEYOTCHES!

3G said...

SPAM SPAM SPAM HERE

Marcel Da Chump said...

Squid Locked.

Anonymous said...

POOO DUMM

Mr. Kavanah said...

Where am I? Fog all around

Anonymous said...

"Maillot Jaundice"- isn't that a bike shop in Austin?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In the front.

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

streepo said...

I just don't know how to re-pondee to this.

velobotomy said...

Hypoxia!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

650b. You're kidding right?

McFly said...

I been trying to eat right.

Right after she gets out of the shower......

McFly said...

Answer #4 should be "Belgian Waffles" this time of year. It's science.

Anonymous said...

Top 15 wheee!

velobotomy said...

Hypoxia!

Anonymous said...

Ooooh! Top Twenty!! ....[been a while]

Anonymous said...

Those Brooklyn UFO spotters need to have their mouths washed out with soap.

babble on said...

Sheesh. You people have so much light pollution out that way that you don't even recognise stars any more??!

mikeweb said...

True saddle porn today.

babble on said...

Dottie from LGRAB was the victim of a hit and run last week, too. Probably the same non-existent federal agent.

PeeWee said...

DOTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Comment deleted said...

If you view that Times picture (of the LEO-blapped cyclist) with stereo glasses, the bent front wheel LEAPS RIGHT OUT AT YOU!

Anonymous said...

Who put SPAM on my balls?

ge said...

Snob, FYI, Portland has jumped the shark (again). Last night I accidentally watched a show familiar to me from the 1990's. Fred Armissen and Carrie Brownstein moved next door to the Simpsons and eventually, all of Portland moved into Springfield. Portland "culture" is now general knowledge. No further smug insider snickering can be derived from mocking them. Please fill the void with more Seattle/Canada/Kangaroo jokes.

vantage said...

mmm...french toast.

mikeweb said...

Yes, speaking of the stereopticon NYT picture, what is it with every tourist, photographer, idiot, etc. that they absolutely need to have their picture taken while standing in the middle of the street? A desire to be run over, or hold up traffic? A fear of getting a ticket for even between photographed with your bicycle on the sidewalk? Some deep unconscious urge planted by devotion to the cover of 'Abbey Road'?

I mean at least those lads where busy crossing the street (sorry, road), albeit without any footwear on.

The hit and run driver was a Fed? I blame Obama.

babble on said...

These days I'm sticking to the woods... it's safer there. Plus, if you're riding in the woods, you get to see the forest for the trees.

theEel said...

weed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yes!!? Ahsome, I'd be honored to help you pick out your first recumbent bike.

Buffalo Bill said...

Aluminum lemonds are dime a dozen. The steel ones are real, however.

Greg for UCI pres?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Babble knows a thing or two about woods.

babble on said...

and woodies, too...

Jimboner said...

No fucking way?? How about if I substitute the butt-plug for 2 lobster claws and then we untie Martin Amis?

babble on said...

Fucking way.

Anonymous said...

Steampunk.
I'm a fan.
Thanks for the recognition.

Nothing funny here, folks. Sorry.





Anonymous said...

steampunk is sooo passe, right there with crossdressing cyclocrossing.

dikcs brakes on monstercross (29er with drops) is in the hunting...but that's prob old hat too.

I needs help fingering this out. Thoughts gang?

CommieCanuck said...

The CIA stole my bike and replaced it with an exact duplicate. Twice.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. WE OFFED KENNEDY, DON'T FUCK WITH US.

JB said...

The middle of the street is an easy way to get good photo composition. The photo gets the curbs/sidwalks/parked cars of the streets and the tops/windows of the buildings all pointed toward the center of the photo, which is right where the subject is. Voila!

JB said...

Also, only Paul is not wearing shoes on the AR cover. Because he was dead - killed by the RMCP and replaced with Justin Bieber's doppelganger grandfather.

Jimboner said...

@ babble 1:10....did Snob copy you on that email too??

babble on said...

Nope, I'm just really good at guessing. :)

Big Bobby said...

Those lil boots don't look egg-beater compatible.

Anonymous said...

DILDO JOKE!

In relation to the seat with a vag shaped hole in it...

Anonymous Coward said...

All You Haters Suck My Central Apeture

Anonymous said...

Snob, that squid is awesome, you are just too jaded and cynical to realize it.

Funny post today.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Had to go meet with the contractor. Getting a new big door on my bicycle gargage. That'll fix the hole where the rain gets in...and stops my mind from wandering.

It's not heated though. I'm not rich like some people.

mikeweb said...

@JB, 1:16,

I knew it! Frigging Mounties...

@ CC,

They did the same thing to me, except with my shampoo and conditioner. It's all part of the hair replacement - industrial complex.

mikeweb said...

BTW, after working on my bicycle yesterday, my velavatar now has black cable housings. Rock on.

JB said...

Anti-Fred Fed.

Dudley Douche'right said...

The Canadian Secret Service is codenamed 'The Mounters' ...

They are the root of all evil in the entire galaxy!

Jefe said...

She is right, it is definitely not a "Chinese lantern." Excluding all other rational explanations, it is therefore obviously a UFO.

Comment deleted said...

This weekend, I decided not to kill myself after all over the clicking on the right side of my drive train. After disassembling the Shimano A530 for the fiftieth time, I realized it was probably the bottom bracket this time.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Anybody know what happens when stoned hipsters watch helicopters fly away from them at night?

babble on said...

Earth suffers an alien invasion?

Female Employee @ Cipo's Atelier said...

The Master has designed a bike rack that looks just like that vintage saddle (not antique-get with the times-just like it's no longer "selected", it's curated). It's going to be mounted on a tongue. Being cast soon

Johnny (8th grader) Douche' said...

When I saw that antique anatomically correct bicycle seat I automatically did number three in me genetically unmodified/climate change neutral Rapha d. byrne autograph bib shorts.

All praise the great lob behind the curtain.

Max Pruss said...

Something is hovering over Brooklyn, is this supposed to be unusual or something - meh!

yankees suck said...

this morning about a mile into my auto-car commute I encountered someone verrry casually riding along on a big dummy - I watched him as he turned off onto the separate bike path (or as US media is now calling the ones in denmark - "bike super highways") - briefly thought about the snob because I think he has one of those bicycle-thingies, and then continued to inch forward whilst singing along to my monkees greatest hits 8-track. about 5 miles later I saw him again - and noticed he was smoking a blunt - obviously for medicinal purposes.

(if there's any proof that it's faster to bike around here, this is it)

JB said...

Locally-sourced, organic aliens for sale

Dooth said...

That vintage aperture saddle is from one of the earliest known naked rides, during the Roaring Twenties, when erections were more common.

Anonymous said...

AYHCSMBP*


*All You Haters Can Suck My Beaten Plowshare!

leroy said...

Note to self: Must tell my dog to stop using the special klieg searchlight on our roof to summon his riding buddies for beer and poker.

The neighbors in Williamsburg are freaking out.

Must be that whole Mayan calendar end of days thing.

Smokin in Seattle said...

Hit & Run - Strange my bike came straight from the shop, brand spanking new, with a wheel shaped just like that. I thought it was some kind of technological advance and not wanting to be seen as being a dork or something I never said a word. Been a bitch to ride it like that for three days. Damn bike dept at Wal-Wart.

Rod Serling said...

Hit & Run Dude, Was this Twilight Zone episode captured on a GoPro?

Andrew Zimmern said...

JB @ 2:52: The price their getting for them at the Park-Slope Co-Op is outrageous.

Satan Claus said...

'Sploooge up me poop chute' Elmo

$399.99 available at finer retail outlets

Dooth said...

Nice car, Wildcat. Pimping ain't easy.

P. Bateman said...

my vagina also has a clock. so what of it? how else am i supposed to ensure that she's being payed enough for her time?

Snobukkah, for the holidays i'm going to call you Snobukkah. Because i think you may be of a certain tribal descent, and because i couldn't figure out any better way to make your name Christmas themed.

Anyway, Snobukkah, what sort of a car do you have? i'm guessing an older toyota of some sort. Just curious. Cars say a lot about a man and his penis.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...there IS a lob & he's one shiny chrome crustacean...i'm betting the world is his oyster, ahhh, so to speak...

...so bsnyc/rtms/wcrm, besides all his other work, rides the glistening carapace as the grand burnisher of the gleaming exoskeleton...

...which is, when you think of it, just like the pope, ya ???...

...just sayin'...

Comment deleted said...

Mine is kind of old and not very flashy, but still quite powerful, and hugs the curves nicely.

And my car is a '99 Outback.

Anonymous said...

More steampunk porn or IMAFKY.

bikesgonewild said...

...wait, what ???...

.."...Earth 'suffers' an alien invasion ???"...

...earth might benefit from an alien invasion...

...any 'thing' smart enough to get from 'out there' to this ball of dirt n' water is likely smart enough to look around, see how we've fucked up the place, offer a solution & then get the hell out...

Red Sox Hairy Aperture said...

Steampunk is passé. What's trending is Spondeepunk.

Red Sox Hairy Aperture said...

Steampunk is passé. What's trending is Spondeepunk.

Anonymous said...

pass. say.
douche. bags.

That's good spondee.

babble on said...

Tick tock mine has no clock
whatever shall I do?
She's a squeeze who loves to please, and she's better than brand new.
It's all good though,
really, it's fine.
In the end,
all we have is time.
It's what we do with it that counts;
and I'm good at spending mine.

McFly said...

Mike web,
I went from white cable housing to black cable housing on my Ol Raleigh and it was automatically 12 feet faster over a distance if 3862 feet.
Once you go black you never go back. 12 feet.

McFly said...

Mama's got a squeeze box

Daddy never sleeps at night

It goes in and out and in and out and in and out

SHE'S PLAYIN ALL NIGHT!

IT USED TO BE TIGHT!

Vegas said...

Sigourney Weaver's space enemy + Almighty Lob = Khromed Krustacean Killing Machine. "I Can't Believe It's Not Acid" blood melts anything it touches whilst emitting a deliciously scrumptious odor.

Prophet said...

A name is born! All praise the birth of Lob's only begotten son: our savior, Imafky!

Left foot right foot said...

Oh, I wish I had a steampunk vagina.

That is what I truly wish to be.

For if I had a leather crotch vagina.

Everyone would be in love with me.

[break]

Cipo:

I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say its because I've got a way with women.
Ugh!(nctuous)

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm betting even a vagina with no clock still needs a face...

...one with no facial 'tic'...(or tock)...

vantage said...

IT USED TO BE TIGHT!

Yeahright! It's shrinking from old age.

McFly said...

What if they are cool with a facial?

whatabouthenhuhhhhhhhh?

Perrico Delgado said...

Thanks for the laughs today. I needed that. Awesome icon of Lob. All praise him!

Huge Heffner said...

That central relief anatomically compliant bicycle seat gave me a great moneymaking idea

Celebrity Power Slut pussy seats!

Can you imagine a bike seat with an anatomically correct moist throbbing pussy in the center. Great investment opp dudes!

Anyone interested in an 86 year old pipe job?

Sarah Connor said...

The chromium plated lobster ...


Is that the 'Terminator lob'?

bikesgonewild said...

...you know what it's about, mcfly...

...you both give & get, get & give...

...one shares ones abilities (& toys)(use as necessary)...

Anonymous said...

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Gordon Gecko said...

Huge Heffner @ 6:43 - Sounds like a Kickstarter Project that would get over funded.

bikesgonewild said...

...(...if necessary)...

McFly said...

You know it bro. There are 2 people in that bed. And 3 in my head.

Anonymous said...

An alien invasion took place in BKLYN about 15 yrs ago...and they've colonized the shit (charm) out of it; that's why Wildcat bolted.

Anonymous said...

Second sighting, in Brooklyn,
It's december 3rd, 2012. Vanderbuilt and Dean.

Cinderella story, this unknown, comes outta nowhere to lead the pack. At Augusta, about 450 yards out, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron, I suppose.

The crowd is just on it's feet here...

bikesgonewild said...

...sometimes, poetry, whilst read, needs be gone over a few times 'til one finds the meter & inflection...

...nice, babble...i took the time (without the clock)...very nice...

Dooth said...

It's in the hole!

Anonymous said...

Yes?!??

Anonymous said...

Cinderella story, out of nowhere.

Anonymous said...

........Peter & infection.......

Pistil said...

Steampunk Womannikin?

Jed said...

I get plenty of "period correct pleasure" at home, thank you. I don't need to be reminded about it in my favorite blog.

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Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Whut da fook are yer babbilin' aboot!

Anonymous said...

Maillot jaded

babble on said...

Yeh took five, did yeh?

babble on said...

Jeeeebus to Lob, Wildcat, why don't you have a donate button??!

bikesgonewild said...

...when one wants to know "...all the things you are...", one willing listens to not just the music but the silences in between...

...(brubeck, desmond, wright & morello - '74)...

...just slayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...my bad - different lineup in '74 but still, ohhh so sweet !!!...

Vito said...

IKEA ain't got shit. Give me a tree any ol' day of the week.

Flammer said...

Well that hand tooled leather saddle must be the earliest gooch gap saddle. Obviously tailored for someone with a HUGE fucking arse (Notice correct spelling yobs). Clearly English. And the price wasn't that bad. Less than a carbon pile driver. But attempting to convert £ to $yuess is like bartering burnt matches for used dingers.

As for half wits mesmerized by the lights, that's how religions start. Sky gods seem to be the in thing for Jews, Christians and Muslims. Dopey cunts, chanting away like loons. Dawkins reckons he knows people who are religious but otherwise intelligent. Oxymoronic.

As for a clever bike name in Fitzroy, they must have been visiting.

JB said...

Flammer, I expect you are invited to a great number of parties.

Anonymous said...

Flammer, I believe you meant imaginary sky gods.

Cipo's Oral Hygienist said...

Cipo believes you have to eat three times a day or you'll go blind.

Anonymous said...

My dog loves the kleig spotlights. He jacklights possums in the backyard st night and before they know what hit em, they are doggy treats.

cycle

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Flammer --

My dog explained that a bright object in the sky over Williamsburg is known as a "Yehuda Moon."

Hence BSNYC's track stand reference.

Hope that helps.

leroy said...

Cycle --

My dog says you better have an artisanal beer to go with that possum or someone's calling PETA.

I don't think he's serious though.

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Anonymous said...

I didn't hear one Brooklyn accent in that alien video.

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