Monday, April 16, 2012

The Indignity of Returning to New York: Soliciting

They say the road changes a person.  Now, I don't know if this is true, and that's mostly because I just made it up.  However, I do know the road changes a person's bike.  For example, since embarking on my Wildcat Rock Machine "Enlightened Cyclist" World Annoyance tour, my detachable travel chariot has acquired a fancy Brooks saddle:




The saddle wasn't actually chamfered when I got it, and it's only that way now because the notoriously mercurial Eric was about to forcibly chamfer my jawline and I held the saddle up in front of my face in a desperate act of self-preservation.  (My schlubby, unshaven appearance seemed to enrage him because it reflected poorly on Brooks, and so he was going to teach me a lesson about personal grooming.)  He did, however, succeed in nailing my head to the floor.

He's a cruel man, but fair.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the bike, a BRA attendee gifted me these pink and green spacers:


You can be sure I installed them at the very first opportunity, with the express purpose of emphasizing my gross excess of steer tube and offending the "stem-slamming" enthusiasts:


Incidentally, the saddle on the bike appears to be "slammed" as well--though horizontally rather than vertically:


There's no bike porn quite as sad and depraved as ill-fitting bike porn.  It's the cycling equivalent of foot binding.

By the way, when I assemble my bike after a flight, the first thing I do is make sure all the "grears shit well," as in this Craigslist post which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Date: 2012-04-13, 8:05PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Selling my Trek Fuel SLR full suspension mountain bike.

Frame size is 18". I think it should fit someone between 5'2 - 5'7

Hand built in the USA (very rare). Today except for carbon bikes all trek bikes are made in China.

Tested this morning and all grears shit well.

Rear Shock - Fox Float Racing Shox
Front - Manitou

Has high end shimano XT & LX components.

Send me your best offer with Contact phone number. 

CASH ONLY ACCEPTED ON THIS SALE. (ALL REASONABLE OFFERS WILL BE CONSIDERED) 

MEETING TO BE IN A PUBLIC PLACE FOR SAFETY.

Let me know if you have any questions. 




I'm glad the seller wants to meet in "a public place for safety," because you do want help to be able to reach you just in case the grears start shitting all over the place while you're testing them.  This is even more important if you happen to be testing a bike with electronic shitting:



Speaking of flying with your bike, the second leg of my book tour officially ended yesterday with my L.A. BRA (not to be confused with my L.A. Gear, which I continue to wear proudly to this day).  Actually, I'm still in LA as I type this, though this is going to change momentarily when I board my final aeroplane for at least a couple of weeks.  I'm looking forward to returning to a life of normalcy and irritation in Brooklyn.  For example, shortly before leaving town, I went to lock my Big Dummy up to a Brooklyn bike rack, only to find it occupied by a backpack.  Right next to the backpack was its owner, a representative of Planned Parenthood, who was busy soliciting passers-by for donations or signatures or whatever it is they're looking for.

Now, at the risk of starting the political equivalent of a helment debate, I'm all in favor of "sexual and reproductive health."  However, between the backpack and the Planned Parenthood guy there was no room to park my bike--and it's a bike rack, not a soliciting rack.  Therefore, I asked Planned Parenthood guy if he could move his stuff, which seemed like a reasonable request.  Plus, there appeared to be plenty of room for the backpack on the Planned Parenthood guy's actual back.  Despite this, he reacted to my request with a look of irritation, and then simply moved the backpack to the other side of the rack in a rather perfunctory fashion:


He also continued to stand rather close to the rack, forcing me to sort of awkwardly squeeze in between the rack and him order to lock up:


Now, I understand that he wanted to guard his backpack since it was probably full of valuable Planned Parenthood literature.  At the same time, nobody actually wanted to take any of the Planned Parenthood literature he was offering, so it seemed to me as though any pamphlet thieves would be doing him a favor.  Also, this being Park Slope (arguably the smuggest neighborhood in Brooklyn), it's worth nothing that, while nobody would actually stop for Planned Parenthood guy, they would nevertheless take great pains to explain as they walked on by that they supported everything he was doing.

This sort of mobile excuse-making, it seems to me, is the political equivalent of riding by someone with a flat tire and shouting, "Yeah, I'd stop and help you but I'm in a really big hurry!"  Sometimes it's actually more polite to simply ignore them.

Anyway, I should also mention at this point that I was with one of my 17 children, and there was a certain irony that his Planned Parenthood activities were interfering with my actual parenting plans.  (Then again, perhaps advocating for contraception in Brooklyn's cradle of smugness was a shrewdly calculated act on his part.)  In any case, when we emerged from the place of business which we had intended to patronize, he was still hovering over my bike:



He also looked not just a little bit nonplussed to see me:




Though in all fairness, I'm not sure if that's because he didn't like me, or simply because people continued to ignore him:


("YeahItotallysupportwhatyouguysaredoingIalreadydonatedonlinekeepupthegoodworksorryI'minareallybighurry!")

There's precious little time for signing petitions when you're late for your shift at the food co-op.

In any event, I look forward to returning home, at which point I'll share with you some highlights of my travels, including the answers to such burning questions as:

How do tall bikes stop for red lights?


How does an Ass Saver work?


And how to I reach my full human potential?



I'll address all of these and more just as soon as I manage to escape Mr. Hubbard's clutches.

92 comments:

DogShot said...

Slam it!

DogShot said...

Nice. First win since the day the guy got shot in the head with a sheep dog.

SJW said...

Podium

DogShot said...

Uh, everybody doing their taxes?

Chriam said...

TOP 5!

Chriam said...

Technically, top 4 since DogShot doped the top 2 spots. :P

Wes said...

Mechanical.

Wes said...

Where are you Ant1?

Anonymous said...

New Post Top Ten.

Word for the day: Orthodoxy.

JB said...

10th?

Kenny said...

I'M TIRED OF BILLS BECOMING LAWS!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Chamfer that shit.

Billy said...

Wow, early post!

Anonymous said...

Actual Smug Orthodoxy = Apple Inc.

Attempting to emulate Apple Inc. Smug Orthodoxy = Rapha.

Questions:
Will Rapha achieve Apple grade Smugness?
What challenges do Rapha face in this attempt?

Anonymous said...

Did you see me at Ciclavia?
I was the one shouting "more bob marley or I'ma fucken kill ya".

Also if you had made a left at the scientologists, you could have eaten at the excellent Square One.

singlespeedwaster said...

Helllloooooooo peloton

theEel said...

weed.

Quilled and Lugged said...

Not a word about SF? Tomorrow's post had better be good, or we'll send Doug round for a bit of dramatic irony.

le Correcteur said...

Damn, you guys are fast; top twenty for me?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

ASSS AVER

le Correcteur said...

WRM,
Gems such as
"There's no bike porn quite as sad and depraved as ill-fitting bike porn. It's the cycling equivalent of foot binding."
are why I read you irreligiously but obsessively.
Awed,
--le Correcteur

JB said...

Quite a chain on the smugness tortilla. [Titanic anchor chain comparison]

leogodoy said...

If that Brooks is a Swift, it is the same model I am using on my commuter. Good luck getting through that break in period, but you are in for a nice ride after 500/1000 km (or 20 billion miles, if metrical doesn't float your boat)

Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

Anonymous said...

Reading a blog while watching other people ride up the Cauberg isn't as easy as I thought.....missed the Top XX, now pretending itz wennzday.

Anonymous said...

He shoots, he smooches! great post

McFly said...

I do not give one iota how comfortable it is, I find your stem angle an offense to my delicate cycling palate and strongly recommend you flip it or else. You are sacrificing valuable aero characteristics.

Buffalo Bill said...

Slam that e-meter!

Hairy Palms said...

Slamming my stem.

And polishing my top cap.

Fritz said...

Dinsssssdale

zoomer said...

The indignity of finishing mid-pack.

Scranus!

oh, and chamfered WeedPamties

ken e. said...

thanks for the visit and BRA snob!
fun times and a complimentary "ass-saver".

grog said...

You can get even by hawking your book in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic. Lock your Huffy to condom dispenser machine. Be nonplussed for their customers.

Anonymous said...

Finisher!!
Awesome me!!!

crosspalms said...

I don't ride a tall bike, but I like the idea of having 2 guys hold me up at stop lights. And teams of fluffers like that would really help those people who don't like putting their feet on the ground.

don the cyclist said...

35 yay!! shitty ass saver

Billy said...

@JB: That bike is parked in Brooklyn, not Amsterdam. Cradle of smugness it may be, but if you use one of those wimpy cable locks you might as well just hand the bike to a waiting thief directly.

Anonymous said...

Can't remember; was it Doug or Dinsdale?

hey nonny mouse

bikesgonewild said...

...i will only say that fortunately there was an open door behind the assembled throng 'cuz with the combination of epic burritos & coffee provided by 'rapha', it could a' been an ugly scene...

Anonymous said...

Tilford had "Rings of Relaxation" tattooed on his chest yesterday.

Hophead said...

Great to see you in LA yesterday! Thanks for the lovely BRA, the ass saver, and the autograph (which I'm sure will be worth thousands someday on Ebay).

leroy said...

My "new" bike passed the 10,000 milestone this weekend.

My dog says my riding still looks like I'm overcome by "new bike smell."

I should have sent him to the BRA with the epic burritos & coffee.

Anonymous said...

You're lucky you didn't get a beat down from the Planned Parenthood dude. They can be as nasty s PETA at a Burger KIng.

cycle

wishiwasmerckx said...

So, here is my report on the LA BRA:

I drove 27 hours straight through from my home in Fargo, North Dakota (Our motto: At least we are not Canada.)I arrived just in time to change my depends and get to VeloOrange for the presentation. VeloOrange is so cool that they are the last place in America that you can still buy a leather "hairnet" helmet.

Snob is actually more handsome in person. Here he is with his race number just before the start of the ride:

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/ridiculously-photogenic-guy-zeddie-little

He maintains that the Filipino transvestite was in the hotel lobby at the same time as him just by pure coincidence, but I'm not so sure because I had seem the guy before posing provocatively on thefixfixfix.com.

There were about 60 for the lecture and 100,000 for the ride. (I shit you not)

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-0416-ciclavia-20120416,0,375790.story

I have heavy legs today because according to my bike computer, we rode 15.2 miles at an blistering 7.3 mph average pace. I learned much about the Snob during the ride; personal stuff that he doesn't share on the blog. For example, did you know that his dad was the president of Bolivia and his mom is Morrocan royalty? At least that's what I thought he said. There was a lot of ambient noise, and we were both greatly winded from the effort.

Anyways, he's a really nice guy in person, even if he wears $205 Rapha cycling jeans.

Androgynous BRA groupie/slut said...

But snob! You said you loved me? When I awoke you were gone?



PS - You left your Rapha 100% hemp crotchless man-panties on the NoTell Motel room floor.

Anonymous said...

Rapha
Meh!
Rapha
Meh!
Rapha
Rapha
Papha
Meh!

Steve Tilford said...

WIWM,
His mom is definately "more rockin'"

Babe Winkleman said...

Just got back from south Texas safari. Got my limit of Mex's. Had a local make me up some scrotuminal change purses and a very few juanalopes*.

If you are interested contact me. I deal in Ca$h only.

*A half mexican half prong horn creature. Very rare. Priced accordingly.

bikesgonewild said...

...perhaps i should also mention the fact that i was roughed up behind the stores parking lot by raphas heavy goons for implying that i might pursue legal proceedings against bsnyc/rtms/wcrm, the eben wiess foundation, rapha, brooks & eric 'the chamferer' due to being forced to wait in the hot sun whilst snob & the bra ride lollygagged about town & ultimately came back something like 3 hours late...

...ahhh, i've just been informed by my barrister that i should keep my lips sealed (or fingers 'idle', as the case may be) we are now pursuing a two pronged attack...

...please disregard this comment...

J-Bird said...

Snobbie, I got to see your BRA yesterday. Not as frilly as I thought it would be. I liked it anyway.

Anonymous said...

I though there were around 90.000 guns per 100.000 U.S. citizens. Who needs planned parenthood?
Now there's an idea you could export to China. I hear they make shifty bikes and have an overpopulation problem.

Rol said...

It's not actually a request, it's an act of generosity: "What ho good sir, here is an opportunity to move your backpack before it is crushed by my bike wheel in 5... 4... 3..."

crosspalms said...

bgw,
Sounds like your two weapons are fear, surprise, and

Your THREE weapons are...

Eric Idle said...

...ruthless efficiency and a fanatical devotion to the pope...

David Byrne said...

I just bought a vehicle that burns air and gets 1,347,801,334,02432 mpg and is 101% eco-correct.


Try to out smugg that bee'atcheezz

jerry harrison said...

...ya, but i live in a place that palpably out-smugs the fuck out a' where you live, ol' buddy...& the air that i (& my car) breath is cleaner & fresher...

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...i think eric handled that nicely...

...'eric' being idle, not the chamferer...

Jan! said...

And here I was, still thinking the Brooklyn Bike Rack was an exotic sexual position!

Quilled and Lugged said...

@hey nonny mouse - "even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug".

@bgw - why are you listening to your barista anyway?

crosspalms said...

bgw
Agreed. The other Eric would have cut them down to one weapon: the chamfering knife.

bikesgonewild said...

...q&l...cheaper than a real lawyer & i need my 'yuerba mate'...

...X-palms...i think eric the chamferer does mens hair grooming on the side...

Jasper said...

Jan! - nothing exotic about it, it's one of the first positions mentioned in the Hipster's Kama Sutra App...

McFly said...

I think those two dudes(?) doing the Ass Saver Shuffle seem a little TOO excited at the prospect of having something shoved/stuffed in their Lower/Outer Scranus region. I doubt they have visible REST RINGS when the work is done.
AERO TURD

George Costanza said...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

A new term for your consideration: "Vred". Here's a proposal for a definition.

Vred n. (21c) 1a : a cyclist who incessantly prattles on about "the V", but is a soft, middle-aged male b : a cyclist who seeks to transcend Fredness merely by Looking Pro and training for nothing in particular c : any cyclist who regards his or her own tastes and sensibilities as universal standards for all sentient creatures 2 : a person who regards his or her own contingent and parochial tastes and sensibilities as universal standards of human style and etiquette.

DerZoots said...

Hey Mr. Snob!

Thanks!
I'm fucken' psyched on the tall bike photo.

You rulez!

dpath2o said...

Where is it socially acceptable to place your grip when supporting tall-bike riders at stops? And is the act do support obligatory merely because they happen to end their forward motion next to you?

Anonymous said...

Leroy,
The fact that you know when the 10,000 milestone occurs...
FRED BIKE

Anonymous said...

Indeed he was. Thanks for the reminder....

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Funnay is muy dificil, eh comentaristas?

I, for one, can hardly WAIT for the Snob to return with some real funnay.

He better serve some up or Ima gonna...

Anonymous said...

Got a patchkit and an ass saver @ the book signing: fuk yeah!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob and/or avid fans - Does anyone know if the Infamous One reads these comments?
Does anyone know how to get a signed copy of his books, since I live in Noplace, USA, and his tour never came near me?
Hope someone can answer these questions. Thanks

Anonymous said...

You should get Steve Tilford to sign that motherfucker....soon as he is done with his coffee.

Anonymous said...

Anon@10:21

Yes, the Snob occasionally reads the rabbles rants.

But to be sure you are heard or read from amongst the cacophony of the commenteriat, I would look to the right side of the BSNYC page and observe the

ABOUT ME
BIKESNOBNYC

clickspace.

Click it and be transported to a secret place only the very specialist of us have been allowed to view. And, once there, if you are of pure heart and sincere motive, you will find the Snobs email address.
Then, email away.

Best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

frilly said...

J-Bird--of course it wasn't frilly, it was in LA.

Snobby you need to have a BRA in StL. Mesa Cycles or Big Shark (Loop) would be perfect for a bike ride/BRA. Mesa Cycles actually hosted a ride w/the QuikStep boys a few years back. Although lore has it, they dropped everybody in the first mile or something like that. I suspect your ride would be much more user friendly. Not implying that it wouldn't be EPIC, of course.

frilly said...

bgw--watchin' the game? Tee hee.

I know, I know, it ain't over yet.

bikesgonewild said...

...nasty shot, girl...nasty fucking shot...& my team is kinda sucking tonight...

...blues goalie is always in position & well supported by his 'd'...

frilly said...

They are playing rather well tonight.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: steve tilford..."...soon as he is done with his coffee..."...

...i heard tilford is too cheap to buy 'kopi luwak' (monkey poop coffee), so he makes his own, hissself...

...spends his mornings pickin' coffee beans out a' his shit so he can brew up his favorite drink - "all things tilford"...

Johann Rissik said...

Rear Shock - Fox Floater Racing Shox.

Anonymous said...

BGW,
Wrong, he eats lightening and shits thunderbolts.

Best Business Brands said...

Bike Snob NYC in Urban & Commuter — They say the road changes a person. Now, I don't know if this is true, and that's mostly because I just ...

McFly said...

Those Surly Sprockets always slow my computer down, they are evil. EEEEEEEVVVVIILLLLLLLLLL

Anonymous said...

Snobby,
My joy is the highest.
Through your blog I was able to connect with an allusive lady in a loose circle of friends.
The bond is strong!
So strong that handcuffs are not necessary.
I might tattoo over some of her tribal tattoos (pro, can turn aztec shit into scooby doo).
I really wanted to thank you for giving me the gift of lucid life that allows me to forage my way into the darkness and come out smelling pussy.

Hells yeah wild cat rock machina!

Blessed Dood

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Anon 2:11

This is not a site to take advantage of or hold a moral high ground that does not conform with common sense otherwise known as sanity.
Leave your pussy at home.
We are talking the revolution of well lubed machines and not your bitchy wife.
Sometimes you play to win, sometimes you play to loose
and other times you are quoting Andrew Dice Clay.

Anonymous said...

Oh man I signed up for a weird club growing up in Shaker Heights.

It was a toilet paper club.
I was issued some tree branches and a few rocks.
It was hardcore.
Random what you got.
I didn't do the roses.
danger danger!

I got out quick.
Now I have a desk job and don't work hard, but I always wonder what the others went on to do?

J Fleming

Cheap Flights to New York said...

None but those who have traveled, can appreciate the delight experienced from recalling in this way the interesting points of an interesting journey, and fighting, as it were, their battles over again.

Robert said...

Park slope is most definitely the most pompous area of Brooklyn.

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I believe that I am missing the point of uploading picture of Scientology church.

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