Friday, July 15, 2011

BSNYC Friday Complimentary Lute Lesson!

ESPN wants to kill you.

How do I know this? Well, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, ESPN's commentators think it's funny when drivers hit people on bikes. But that's not all. In fact, this is just the tip of a massive "sporting industrial complex" conspiracy against cyclists, for yesterday I got the following email:

Monster Cable iSport Immersion In-Ear Headphones Review Opportunity

Allowing users to enjoy pure audio adrenaline while they run, swim, surf, cycle or even hit the ski slopes, the iSport In-Ear Headphone feature a patented Proprietary In-Ear Clip design – ensuring that all the music stays in your ear where it belongs.

As we all know, there's no safer way to ride on roads teeming with deadly motor vehicles than while totally immersed in "pure audio adrenaline." Earbuds at low volume is one thing, but "immersion" is quite another, and if the point is to totally divorce you from your surroundings they might as well just come out with an "iSport Immersion Over-Eye Blindfold" to go with these things. And which "sporting industrial complex" mouthpiece says these total immersion sensory-deprivation headphones of death are "the best headphone for active use?" You guessed it, ESPN:

ESPN the Magazine recently named iSport the best headphone for active use and we would love to hear what you and (name of site) think as well.

Evidently, not only does ESPN like it when we get hit by cars, but they don't want us to be able to hear the cars coming either.

By the way, in case you're wondering, I'm apparently "(name of site)."

Just think--on your next ride, you can "block out distractions" like emergency vehicles, and instead you can get into "the zone:"

Noise isolation allows listeners to block out distractions, focus on their sport and get into “the zone.”

I should point out that, in headphone industry jargon, "the zone" means "the ER."

Also, the headphones look like two creepy invertebrates that will "double team" your skull:


Assuming you manage not to get run over by a fire engine and you actually survive your ride, these hideous contraptions will inseminate your brain, and within a matter of weeks hundreds of their tiny blue offspring will slither out of your nose looking for new earholes to hump.

In any case, here was my reply:

Re: Monster Cable iSport Immersion In-Ear Headphones Review Opportunity
From: "BikeSnobNYC"
To: xxx@xxx.com

Hi (name of person),

Yes, please send me (name of product). I look forward to blocking out distractions such as cars, pedestrians, and other cyclists and getting into "the zone" while riding on public roads.

Thanks,


BSNYC Media International


Naturally, he's sending me the headphones.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see Bill Cosby telling you bicycles are beautiful.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be able to hear stuff.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



(Is Johan Bruyneel running a mobile Tour de France speakeasy?)

1) During yesterday's Stage 12 of the Tour de France, Team RadioShack director Johan Bruyneel was pulled over and given a breathalyzer test.





("No-name riders" Mark Cavendish, Andre Greipel, and Tyler Farrar)

2) When it comes to pro cycling coverage, it doesn't get much dumber than ESPN.







Here’s the biggest problem with urban bicyclists: Their personalities. They exude a sense of superiority as they sip vitamin water amid an afternoon breeze while I, just for argument’s sake, may be tucking into a Filet-O-Fish in the sealed confines of my car, quickly abandoning hope of finding parking near my gym.

3) Some fish sandwich-eating idiot wants to ban bikes from:

--Portland
--St. Louis
--Boston
--Outer space






4) Who "bedazzled" this bike?




5) The hot new bike is the:






("This ain't no ungulate shit.")

6) It is possible to ride a bicycle with a giraffe on your arm.






("Noob" nature photographer shoots giraffe from the non-drive side)

7) Giraffes are:




***Bonus Higher Meh-ducation-Themed Bonus Question***



(Hipster College: where coasting is for classes, not bikes.)

Which was not among the "Top 10 Hipster Colleges" of 2011?



89 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

aerodynamic advantage!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

sweep?

OBA said...

Oof!

Astroluc said...

fizzle

Anonymous said...

foiled again!

Anonymous said...

TOPP TENN

Anonymous said...

Boner!

Anonymous said...

Thor!

mikeweb said...

Would've placed higher but tiny blue things were slithering out my nose.

hillbilly said...

I hate Boston

Kenny Banya said...

RCT Leadout

Evan Davis said...

Hey BSNYC/RTMS, have you see this mega-floater from human turd Brian McGrory at the Boston Globe?

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2011/07/15/make_boston_bicycle_free/?sudsredirect=true

Anonymous said...

Landis is the #2 all time star of cycling!
FISH WICH

Anonymous said...

Evan - you linked to something which was part of the blog post you just failed to read.

Kenny Banya said...

I purposely clicked on wrong answers just to hear Cosby pronounce bi-cycles. Bi-cycles...gold...

Anonymous said...

Need advice. On commute this morning, Fred looked at my bike and said, "that's a big frame."

Is this a compliment?

Anonymous said...

Everyone below this line loses time in the BSNYGC
_________________________________

mikeweb said...

@Kenny,

"Bi-cycle".

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

PO-LICE

SingleSpeedMark said...

I suck at quizzes

Anonymous said...

Plus, it’s just a fact, cheating is a turn off for sports fans. Why would they want to watch something that fake?


Tell Wouter Weylandt's friends and family that bike racing is fake and we'll see who gets turned off.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure everyone's tired of this by now, but another commentary on the "H"" word.
(I think the guy might read your blog)
http://www.avclub.com/chicago/articles/hipster-please-why-calling-people-hipsters-needs-t,58860/

crosspalms said...

I used to like fish, but now I wonder if it will infest my brain with little blue things. Similar bonehead column a couple of weeks ago here in Chicago

wishiwasmerckx said...

I can't understand why TdF viewers are targeted for all these drug liability commercials. On the whole, we are presumably a much healthier bunch than the public at large.

This morning was a new low. The commercial said if you or a loved one took the drug Pepto Bismol and suffered from nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea, you may be entitled to substantial monetary compensation.

Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

I noticed in the discussions section of the ESPN article, cycling, TDF, Armstrong, nor anything remotely related to the article was mentioned.

Chris said...

BikeSnob NYC is FICTION!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Griepel?

"ei", my dear chap......

hey nonny mouse

Marcel Da Chump said...

The endorphins produced by cycling are why we exude a sense of superiority.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@ Crosspalms,

Some really intelligent sounding rebuttals in the comment section of that article you linked to (against the authors stance on the subject). Your right though -author is a bonehead.

Anonymous said...

We ARE superior.

I am not a challenged engine said...

Give those earbuds to prolly, I am sure he will write a glowing review, and forget to mention that driving while auditory impaired is not a good idea.

The world could lose a couple more austin hipsters.

Are you sure that the tri-water guy did not design those earbuds?

Snobby when are you going to sponser Levis commuter buy-athon.

Please don't.
Tough quiz,

J Scott. Notgoodatquiz. said...

First time commiting to the entire quiz. 4/8 JUST COASTING!

Eric said...

I like this picture of an "ironic fred hipster" at Colorado College from the Most Hipster Colleges article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/14/the-most-hipster-colleges_n_898059.html#s308147&title=Colorado_College

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Now in contrast after reading a couple pages of comments on the Globe piece it sure seems Boston has a lot of bike hating assholes.

I'm so glad I don't live in a big city and can just visit them on occasion for fun.

In time it will get better. When gas is $10.00 a gallon.

ervgopwr said...

@RCT

Nice job on the sweeping podium performance, just too bad UCI outlaws bents from racing.

Wait, UCI is destroying cycling, eff them.

Anyway, you guys can have your non-climbing, obstacle hopping reclined style cycling machines. Seems like today was a down hill finish. I joke, but in the best way, not like those Massholes.

leroy said...

In defense of the French gendarme who pulled over Johan Bruyneel, crooning Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles" over the race radio is just asking for trouble.

Ride safe all!

TUFF KWIZ said...

@recumbent conspiracy theorist
"Boston has a lot of bike hating assholes."

Yep. But comments sections tend to overrepresent those folks.

And so many cyclists ride like they've already had a serious head injury. With aggresive drivers and limited parking, it isn't a good environment for civility.

Last incident a driver asked me where I learned to ride "in the middle of the road like that" and I calmly explained it's how you're supposed to make a left turn.

I hope this stuff gets across, but I think the only hope is a decent cycling curriculum taught in public schools.

J-Bird said...

Didn't they have to wear HELMENTS back in the 70s?

wishiwasmerckx said...

We have managed to so far miss a scandal of Biblical proportion. In next year's tour, the leader's jerseys will once again be manufactured by Le Coq Sportif in lieu of Nike.

Look for your favorite leader's jersey on the clearance rack of your local Nike factory outlet store soon.

Anonymous said...

"Mini Urban Lifestyle Bicycle w/ 20" Wheels." It has breaks! Just get a freewheel and be done with it you tools.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, before I get slammed "Brakes" not "Breaks". Your still tools mini fixie maker

Stupid Name said...

That was a bitch of a quiz, a couple of problems, Boston sucks.

This Brian McGrory has 2553 facebook people who like this article. That has to be a greater indictment of facebook than boston or McGrory.

University of chicago can hardly be ddefined as a hipster college, unless the definition of hipster has changed to Rich-ultra-nerd.

There is no intelligent life out there.

Sinclair Marber

Anonymous Coward said...

Wow Anon 2:42/2:44 you followed "breaks" up with "your". Chapeau!

Anonymous said...

Was Boston really built for cars? What did Paul Revere drive when he was warning the Brits about us wanting to bare our arms, or whatever?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks Ervgopwr. No offense taken -bents and riders can be pretty funny. That's why I stick my neck out here.

have a good weekend everyone.

Anonymous said...

If I had as much money as that talking head guy, I'd buy a cool looking bike...or at least something that isn't a hybrid. Fool.

yogisurf said...

Just got caught up on Wed, Thurs blogs and todays quiz. Hysterical! Co workers were looking in my office window with WFT on their faces. Ride hard all weekend. RCT, I love the sweep.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 3:20,
I saw that talking head guy on his bike. And it's one cool fire engine red cruiser of a bike. Coaster brakes! Fat white wall tires!

Anon 1:34,
After wrestling with my conscience, I have to agree: we ARE superior.

The Boston Douche Sux.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Giraffe pictures always give me a woody.

crosspalms said...

In addition to hilpsters, can we have

pantries!

pebes heston (from my cold dead hands) said...

bikesnobnyc-green is people!! bikesnobnyc-green is PEOPLE!!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

All kidding aside, I actually ate lunch today at a restaurant called "Pho Kim Long."

I wonder if the have another location called "Pho Kim Hard?"

Anonymous said...

I thought Filets-O-Fish were not kosher, just shows how little I know about The Great Lobster faith I guess.

Speaking of ignorance, do journalists in Uh-merica have to be obnoxious and uninformed to start with, or can these skills be developed later through on-the-job training?

The King of Park Slope said...

My neighbor is suing her tattoo artist.

A couple of years ago, she got a cheetah tattooed to her breast, but it turned into a giraffe.

cyclotourist said...

They're trying to appeal to the ladies with the fallopian tube headphones.

Martin Erzinger said...

bicycles are beautiful, where do you find this great stuff.

Go snobby.

Anonymous said...

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2011/07/carmageddon-bicyclists-challenge-jetblue-to-crosstown-race.html

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx - You can eat at Mo Pho if you get to Fort Lee, NJ

LK said...

Earbuds at low. Right.

Stranded said...

American culture is totally sick. And I don't mean "sick" in the cool sense of "bad," which those of us old enough to have a predominance of gray in our recumbent-riding-worthy beards remember, in the dark ages of the 1980s, used to mean "good." So if our culture is sick, why would anyone expect our national sick sports network to think mortal danger is anything but funny? I mean, ESPN pays Tony f-ing Kornheiser, the biggest jackass in history since King Henry the Eighth and G.W. Bush, to shoot off his ignorant mouth on a regular basis. Is Canada accepting new citizens?

Anonymous said...

Cavendish can't climb!
Panties!

Anonymous said...

Vive le Thor!!

David Henderson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
g-roc said...

J-bird - you're kidding, right? Even hockey players didn't have to wear helments in the 70s.

Peter said...

why would i want to hear that old bag honking at me yesterday? or that old hag yelling at me today? no thanks -- i'll rock out instead.

lulzcyc said...

Had to stop watching the Cosby propaganda film after he pointed out that it's YOUR fault if you get doored (presumably if you'd been paying ATTENTION then you'd have been able to bend the laws of physics sufficiently to come to an instant stop) ESPECIALLY if there is a car following you. And of course, you'd definitely need a motorcycle helmet to survive a dooring at 12mph...

Fuck you, Cosby - it was vaguely amusing when you said "bi-cycle" for the first three or four times, then it just became annoying.

Hungry Panda said...

No bamboo bikes in the tour de france?

Anonymous said...

While looking to upgrade from standard iPod ear buds, I came across the 'In Ear Monitor' headphone category. Unlike standard ear buds, IEM's fit snugly inside one's ear canal blocking out virtually all ambient noise. They are fantastic! I use my IEM of choice every time I get on an airplane. They are much smaller, lighter and quieter than bulky NCH's (noise canceling headphones, my made-up acronym). However, in addition to blocking screaming child noise, they also block out all flight attendant drink service noise, boarding announcement noise and noise from the guy adjacent to me who wants me to move so he can use the bathroom. I can't imagine driving a car while using IEM's (or NCH's) let alone a bicycle on public roads. With that said, if you are one of the lucky backyard velodrome owners (BYVO's)...the IEM would be perfect cycling accessory.

The Old Wise One said...

You have pointed out, at rightly, that American journalists are all pretentious dicks. Except for the women, who are worthless cunts.

95% of American journalists are Democrat, and they virtually all support Obama.

Coincidence? I think not.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Mr. The Old Wise One --

Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota has demonstrated that 95% of all statistics are made up.

(My dog asked me to point out that if you use the phrase "I think not," you can't tell if people are making fun of you by agreeing.)

Anonymous said...

My carefully researched study has concluded that 100% of Old Wise Ones are douches trying to teabag their politics into everyone's faces. "worthless cunts", gg with the misogyny too.

Bad Lawyer said...

modes of sound healing....

Marcel Da Chump said...

Prejudicial mindsets

create think knots.

You can untie yourself

while you still have time

and enjoy life.

leroy said...

Professor Logsdon's full finding is that 95% of all statistics are made up and the other half are suspect.

Stupid Name said...

Old wise one,
Where you in a coma between 1968 and 1976?
How about 1980 and 1992?

How about 2000-2008?

Thats right, it is the press and some black guys fault.

Meh

Seo greece said...

The images are looking great here..well posted here..thanks for sharing here with us.well posted here.

bikethom said...

Here's a new Tridork alert: Check out the inside front cover of the Tour of Utah program pasted into the new issue of "Velo" magazine, can't miss it!

Ayasha Kieth said...

I like the raffle of Bedazzled Bicycle... How can I get it.. Hahaha.. LOl

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Marycycle said...

I use One Good Earbud: great for stereo sound in one ear, with the other ear open to the world around me. http://onegoodearbud.com/

Duncan Granger said...

the most shocking sentence in that article from the bleacherreport.com website came at the very end: "David Daniels is... a Syndicated Writer"

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Fixie Bikes said...

The hot new bike is the fixed gear bike right?

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