Thursday, January 20, 2011

Nostalgia for an Age Yet to Come: Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?

Since yesterday's post, I've been thinking of the composer who got a ticket for running a red light in Central Park, and his subsequent lament that the city is no longer "Real" enough because it has things like laws and amenities. This in turn led me to think, "Where does this kind of 'hipster nostalgia' come from anyway? Is New York City honestly not 'Real' enough for them? Have they never left the 'David Byrne-iverse' or the 'Gentri-verse?'" More importantly, I wondered, " How can you indict an entire city for not living up to a past you've never experienced beyond watching 'Taxi Driver' and listening to a few Velvet Underground records?"

But then, suddenly, I realized what was to blame:

Yes, it's all "Sesame Street's" fault. Like the ticketed composer, I too was weaned on this utopian post-hippie vision of city life, in which a smiling multi-ethnic population lives together in an artfully-distressed brownstone neighborhood where everybody's friends and nothing bad ever happens. At a certain point, though, you grow up, and you discover that "Sesame Street" omitted a few things. Sure, everybody loves Oscar the Grouch, but nobody ever talks about who's paying all those fines from the Department of Sanitation, or the fact whoever is paying would eventually call animal control and have him killed. Another thing they never address is how Sesame Street was conveniently spared from the crack epidemic of the 1980s. And where are the bikes? Sure, Elmo "palps" a tricycle, but I don't see too many "fixies" locked up around the neighborhood. My best guess is the landlords who own all those townhouses cut the locks.

Some people though manage to get all the way to adulthood without realizing any of this, which is why they walk around the city in a perpetual state of disillusionment. "Where the fuck are all the friendly puppets?!?," they want to know. But there are no friendly puppets. There are just regular people in varying states of being pissed off, many of whom also have bedbugs. Then these naive adults get tickets for running red lights on their bicycles in a cash-strapped city and the whole illusion is finally shattered once and for all.

Oh, and as everybody knows, there were absolutely no chain stores in New York City "back in the day:"

There were only authentic "Mom and Pop" stores like Florsheim and GNC--and of course lots of smiling, contented cyclists with gigantic primitive helmets and positively "epic" hair.

Of course, if New York City isn't "Real" enough for you, you can always move to Newark, a very "Real" city which recently had to fire 163 police officers:

The good part is that the remaining police are probably far too busy to give you tickets for running red lights. The bad part is that they're also probably far too busy to keep you from getting stabbed.

Meanwhile, as New York City's bike crackdown continues, local cyclists seem determined to receive costly tickets so that they can complain about them later. Despite the fact that this latest crackdown has been all over the news and "Tweeted" about more than Lady Gaga's alleged penis, as I rode around the city I saw as much salmoning, signal-running, sidewalk riding, and lightlessness as ever. There are few things more depressing than watching people play right into other people's hands and while I don't like the crackdown either, running a red light when you're virtually guaranteed to get a ticket doesn't make you Rosa Parks--it makes you like those people who are surprised when their illegal pet tigers suddenly turn on them.

But not all violations are egregious, and in fairness to my fellow cyclists some of them probably don't realize they're doing anything wrong. For example, this rider had a whopping four reflective pant cuff retainers, but exactly zero lights:


Whereas this rider did have a rear light, but unfortunately it was the wrong "colorway:"

I don't know why so many people have such a hard time with this, but white light go in front, red light go in back.

Among the worst offenders I saw though was this cellphone-wielding scooter salmon:

Complete with a hat in what I assume is a tiger "animalway:"

Probably the most frustrating part of the crackdown is that they'll stop you for not having a bell on your bike, but if you're on a scooter you can probably violate the law with impugnity--especially if you're a bigtime celebrity, like Hugh Jackman:

When you ride a scooter, you have nothing to lose but your dignity.

Speaking of dignity, English people are supposed to be dignified (to wit), and as I mentioned last week I recently took delivery of my first-ever Brooks saddle, which I have since mounted and ridden:

I'm pleased to report that I've already been finding the saddle to be quite comfortable. However, I must confess that the process of placing the saddle between my bicycle and my crotch was not without angst. This was because, as soon as I mentioned that I had obtained a Brooks saddle, various readers came forward with all sorts of advice: "Don't get it wet;" "Don't get road salt on it;" "Treat it with 'Proofide;' "Cover it when you're not riding it;" "Don't feed it after midnight;" "Dry clean only;" "Say a special Brooks bruchah over it before riding it;" and so forth.

My initial reaction to this was, "Get the fook out of here. I'm bolting the thing on my bike and never thinking about it again." After all, I'm a busy adult with 17 children and a demanding job as a cosmetic surgeon, and I don't have time to perform all sorts of ablutions over my bicycle components, like those paranoid people who write "epic" letters to Lennard Zinn asking him if they have to re-glue their tubulars because their bicycle was exposed to the light of the full moon. And don't get it wet? Seriously? If it's going on a bike it's getting wet. Saying a bicycle component shouldn't get wet is like saying a toilet shouldn't be exposed to urine.

But then I started to feel guilty. Not only had a cow actually died for this thing, but I also thought about the labor of good people like Eric "The Chamferer" Murray and how he might cut me if I neglected the saddle over which he slaved. "Fine," I thought, "I'll put the damn Proofide on it, but that's it." So I paid way too much money for a tiny can of this special wax. However, the instructions for the saddle said to only put the Proofide on the bottom since it was "Aged," whereas the website said to put it all over the saddle, even if it was "Aged." Meanwhile, people on forums said you don't need to put it on the bottom at all, since this instruction was only for stupid Americans who don't use fenders. "Maybe I should just put it on my 'taint,'" I even found myself thinking. In the end I just put it on the bottom of the saddle, causing my wife to comment on how much the stuff smelled.

Having been afforded this horrifying glimpse into the world of people who obsess over their bicycles, I saw how easily an unsuspecting person could become one of them, and so I slammed that door and resolved never to open it again. In any case, so far the saddle has not self-destructed, Eric "The Camferer" has not come after me with his chamfering knife, and I am shuttling myself about in considerable comfort. And if you want to borrow some "tainted" Proofide, you know who to ask.

By the way, I plan to formulate my own saddle wax which I will then market to hyper-obsessive leather saddle owners--but not before I market little ankle fenders to the Hasidim:

Footwear can throw up a lot of road grime, especially at this time of year, and with a decent pair of ankle fenders the pious can stop putting all that expensive kosher Proofide on their coats.

141 comments:

Anonymous said...

que cono pasa?

Anonymous said...

Moin!

Dr. Feel Good said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Penner!

CL said...

TOP 5?

Diego said...

kinda-sorta top ten-ish!
Off to read the words of the snob now...

Nogocyclist said...

First riding a scooter

Slone said...

10

Tainted love said...

You, sir, are a terrible photographer.

Astroluc said...

top 10

mediumtriguy said...

ten top?

Buffalo Bill said...

Where the fuck are all the friendly puppets?!?

Awesome! That's right up there with:

Fucking Magnets, How Do They Work?

Can we get that on a t-shirt?

crosspalms said...

Friendly puppets are waiting for Katy Perry to come back.

I think if you put your Splats on backward you'll have the ankle fender design licked.

Heresy said...

Re: ... listening watching 'Taxi Driver', I can do both but that reads oddly.

RaphBxl said...

I couldn't be bothered to put Proofide or anything else on my Brooks saddle. And I live in Brussels, which is not directly dry territory. The saddle seems to fare well after a year of riding it daily.

At the same time, my bike sleeps inside most of the time. Proofide might be for those who live in places where you can leave a bike with a Brooks saddle outside.

The Silent G is Invisible said...

I mean to impugn your spellchecker (Vito?).
Impunity

Anonymous said...

no proofide on my brooks after 10 years and it's still great. always ride in the rain and never cover it..

hillbilly said...

crackdown or no crackdown, one more person tells me to get in an icy, slushy, bike lane this week and I'm gonna lose it.

Dan O said...

I soak my shorts in Proofide - been using the same pair now since 1978.

That stuff is awesome...

OBA said...

Some of us have to shell out our [parents'] hard-earned money on Brooks saddles, so we go a little overboard with the geekism. Mine cost over half a Scattante.

Judi said...

you are fucked up! ankle fenders?

i remember when i got my 1st carbon frame and i was told not to let sweat get on it. wtfe.

Lovely Bicycle! said...

For a brief period in the early 1990s, my family and I lived in Washington Heights. Ultra Orthodox Jews and Puerto Rican gangs. Now that's the stuff nostalgia is made of.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Alec and his nostalgic for the real NewYork ilk have never been mugged or witnessed a violent act. If a safe and ordered big city is not real for them maybe they should visit Rikers Island and make some new friends.

Anonymous said...

I lived in Washington heights in the 1980's and then it was Puerto Rican gangs and drunk Irishmen.

Astroluc said...

@Hillbilly:

~amen!~

Anonymous said...

Sesame Street makes some sense but to me the NY the hipsters want is from MTV's real world.

Anonymous said...

I'm just a dumb suburban raised PBS fan myself, but weren't corrupt cops a part of "real" New York street crime too?

Nobody should mistake themselves for Rosa Parks & play into the crackdowns hands, sure...but if nearby oppressed cities like Newark weren't hidden behind a moat of traffic and byzantine public trans, reachable via bicycle perhaps, maybe well meaning but naive hipsters would have to reinvent the wheel.

Hey Now! said...

Ahhh yes, the longing for the perfectly preserved city of "yesteryear", where everything which was once perfect is now slowly being destroyed by the inevitable march of time.

Here is the wonderful city of Portland, "bike advocates" are already wondering if "yet another" bar is a good thing in a *gentrified* neighborhood (i.e. it used to be a crap hole, but now you can actually live there without fear of being caught up in a gang fight or mugged. For some reason, there is "nostalgia" for the former state of affairs).

http://bikeportland.org/2011/01/18/hopworks-plans-new-location-on-n-williams-ave-46202

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've scared of NYC ever since I saw Ft. Apache the Bronx.

ervgopwr said...

PROO FHID

TAIN TPRF

Anonymous said...

The last line of Anon 1:31 should read
'would not have to reinvent the wheel'

Looks like I need to re-watch some of those Seaseme St episodes.

grog said...

Ticket me.

UCI Guy said...

PeePee testing of all Cat 6 racers to begin IMMEDIATELY!

Anonymous said...

Tickle me, Elmo?

Lieutenant Colonel Brooks Kilgore said...

I LOVE THE SMELL OF WET LEATHER BETWEEN ME LEGS IN THE MORNING!

Luke said...

Brooks saddles are heavy and even my commuter has too much saddle to bar drop for my balls to be able to tolerate one. At least the B17 saddles I've had (and sold for more than I purchased them for since in the two years I owned one they got way more expensive.)

MikeRideBike said...

Is Hugh Jackman portaging a dismembered hand in his cargo shants?

Anonymous said...

People often are nostalgic for times past, not because times were better for everyone, but more likely because they were children at the time. They think back and recall better, simpler times. I think Jon Stewart made a similar point when referring to politicians yearning for a "return to when things were better."

I Go Around and Around said...

Cookie Monster touched my cookies.

Just use Johnson's paste wax. On the saddle I mean. Same difference. Or Snowseal. One or the other. Can't remember.

Saw two tickets given out in Central Park today. Had a cop follow me for a while, but since I was stopping at every light whether it was red or green, he gave up and went after a guy in sweatpants.

P.S. Watch out for the scooter cop who hides in the bushes at the north end of the park. Cheeky monkey.

mikeweb said...

I lived in the East Village back when you could see somebody threaten somebody else with a hunting knife at Kiev diner.

For some reason Sunday nights where the best for that kind of 'Real'-ness.

I also did get the Sesame Street 'flavor' by seeing the comings and goings of the day-glo wearing drag queen in 10" platforms who lived across the street. Kind of like the love-child of Bert and Ernie and Big Bird.

Retro Fred said...

Susan from Sesame Street lives in my town. Over the summer she got hit by a car crossing the street. I think she's fully recovered now. I saw her in TGI Fridays back in November. True Story.

mikeweb said...

hillbilly, according to the law, you don't have to ride in the bike lane if doing so is unsafe (i.e. ice, snow, Hugh Jackman on a scooter, etc.) So feel free to tell folks to STFU.

Anonymous said...

SADL EGOO

ASSG REAS

Anonymous said...

fuck brooks and all the needless leather bicycle tchotchkes currently obsessed over by the hipster and iBOB elite. quite seriously, a cow did die for that saddle and it is ridiculous that a cow should have to die for one's ass-comfort and tweed-cred. snob has a good deal of impunity since he didn't ask for this saddle, but seriously, all of you brooks/VO fetishists need to step back and consider the vast amount of suffering that goes into this hipster bullshit, especially when you can pick up, e.g., a synthetic fizik rondine or aliante for less than a brooks. my ass says the fizik feels better than a Pro or B17. even better, on a fizik there is no maintenance required, no noxious proofide needed, no tension adjustments, AND you can get it wet. it looks just as good as a brooks when you've got your ass on it. imagine that, considering the saddle for its intended purpose.

I Go Around and Around said...

Moo?

Marty McFly said...

I know the NY the hipsters want because I lived it: drinking beer in public- a guy in Central Park's Sheep Meadow used to sell cold Buds out of plastic bag full of ice-riding your bike around and running into a friend and sparking one up wherever that may be, meeting a cool chick on the street and having some afternoon delight in your apartment soon thereafter. Every up side had iits downside ,though and they were fraught with real life ending possibilities not worth being nostalgic about, just glad to have survive them and I know some who didn't .

hillbilly said...

thanks Mike. yep, I do, in fact I had quite a long in-depth conversation about that with a driver in chinatown last night, unfortunately everything I said was met with the same meathead reply "get in your fuckin lane"

Anonymous said...

I wish NYC would return to the way it was in "The Warriors". That must have been a cool era in which to live.

Anonymous said...

"fuck brooks and all the needless leather bicycle tchotchkes currently obsessed over by the hipster and iBOB elite. quite seriously, a cow did die for that saddle and it is ridiculous that a cow should have to die for one's ass-comfort and tweed-cred. "

Right. Instead of using cow hide we should just use synthetic materials from petroleum, pumped from the bowels of the earth at great environmental and human cost, and then pat ourselves on the back for being so self-righteous.

leather FTW!

Anonymous said...

anon 2:33, you clearly have no idea of the resources wasted in raising cattle for leather, nor the pollution that results from doing so, nor the composition of leather dyes or the very real impact they have on the environment. synthetics aren't the greatest either, but of the two choices, i'd take the one that does not cause animals to die. vegan ftw!

leroy said...

You almost had me there.

For a minute, I almost believed those friendly singing puppets I saw in the '70s weren't real.

(More than 50 comments now. Do we need a parade permit? Just asking because of the crackdown.) )

Anonymous said...

@Hillbilly: Your response would then be a cordial "YOU get off the fucking road idiot and go back to Jersey."

xyxax said...

@anon 2:37

Does this mean I have to return my cycling chaps?

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:31,
around the time of the Warriors a friend of mine got shot three times by a guy who tried to rob the supermarket where he worked. He survived and became a cop. I also saw a friend bash a would-be mugger over the head with a baseball bat. Having fun yet? O.k I was chased by a group of guys just because they didn't like the way I looked. That was REAL FUN. WARRIORS COME OUT TO PLAY.......

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"...where everybody's friends..."

Really? uh...not sure that usage is correct.

"where everybody is friends" seems to get the job done.

start stopping at the reds boys and girls - its not the cops, its your fellow commuters' respect you are trying for (not to mention the ride in your smug quotient)

Retro Fred said...

Leather? Synthetic? Leather? Synthetic? Oh my lob, which is less bad for the environment??? Screw it just ride without a saddle. That way the Earth is saved; the only damage done will be to Uranus.

Anonymous said...

arsch!

bikesgonewild said...

...scene: kiev dinner...era: 1980's...

...mikeweb to waitress: "waitress, this steak is a tough as my old brooks saddle"...

...sally the waitress without removing the cigarette from her lips: "listen up, sonny...don't kvetch on da 'cuisine de nosherye', okay ???...& if you'd a proofhided that saddle when ya got it, it'd be as soft as tommy da tranny's limp wrist...now, 'cuz yer such a nudnik, i'll get 'cha a hunting knife so's ya can cut dat steak but how's about a little less chatter, huh ???"...

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Just ride that Brooks. People either love them or hate them. I think some of the haters never took the time to get theirs adjusted properly, and I'm sure a lot of them have never given one a try. Yeah, they weigh more than a piece of plastic shit. So what?

Julius Beezer said...

You'll find out soon enough, but I wouldn't let your Brooks get wet: it'll be unpleasantly soggy for days, and won't be so slippy. This additional friction makes it much less comfortable.
Tuck a plastic bag between the seat and the rails and use it to cover the saddle every time you stop. This also has security advantages. I'll leave it to you to decide which kind of bag would be blingiest, but I was very content with a nice black and red number from Foyles for quite a while.

mikeweb said...

@xyxax,

I have the same ones in lime green. I'm not returning them.

@bgw,

Amazing! It's like you were there...

Neil said...

at least Hugh Jackman's using a brake on his whip...

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...ehhh, what can ya say ???...i channel, i channel...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Snob,

Why don't you find out the definitive word on Brooks emollience from the Eric The Chamferer himself?

If anyone knows, he does.

Anonymous said...

Bushwick was burning down when they made the Warriors. I bet the invading hipsters there would love to relive that.

Will Handsfield said...

Snob, I hate to point this out to you, but your saddle is not chamfered. Your English friend's knife did not have a part in refining this fine saddle.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne,

That's like asking a mohel what kind of lubricant to use for sexual intercourse. "What do I know? I just cut the things."

--RTMS

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

that's it folks, show is over...

never mind "jumping the shark", Snob just "Mohel Joked".

Anonymous said...

and at comment 69 to boot

Epping Forest said...

Does it take an Englishman to point out another typo - it should be 'to whit'.
Thank you and goodnight.

Salty and Sore said...

Okay, I'll jump in on the Vegan thing. Sorry for the long rant, but here goes.

Leather industry? Cattle raised for their hides?

Even leather-hating PETA says that animals "are slaughtered for their meat". I'm not here to endorse how this is occurring, but the fact is that the beef industry is alive and thriving. And even when the beef industry is fully cruelty-free, leather is still a useable by-product that would go to waste if we all used synthetic products.

And then to say that leather processing is worse than scarring Mother Earth with oil drilling, and all the heinously carbon-based processing that goes into synthetic fabric's manufacture? The milling that goes into natural products (though disgusting and not completely free of sin, in some cases) is far less damaging to the environment than what you're proposing.

So the question is, recycle, reuse, and go natural? or be a douchebag and throw it all away?

For the record, I'm not vegan anymore.. I hated having my dietary preferences confused for this douchebaggery.

And yes, I had a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Time to go buy a new pair of shoes....

And do I own a Brooks? No, I don't. I ride a different name brand, and I'm in love with it. And yes, when it comes to saddles, I'm verrrry committed to what it is I let between my legs.

Bobby said...

Amen, Snob, just ride the thing, man! It's only Proofide, not Rapha "Saddle Embrocation". I'm amazed at these dudes who spend more time looking at the saddle than planting their butt on the thing. After ten years of use on mine, it had some light cracking, an inevitable result of my allowing it to dry out a little too much over the years. Ride that sucker in the rain, snow, sleet, sprinklers, whatever.

I'd forgotten the tidbit about the saddle being a little "grippy" when wet, you'll find that to be exactly what's best in the rain anyway.

Oh, and before too many guys get all self righteous about the leather, I have a basic question: what do we do with the "burger wrapper" after eating the cattle, anyway? Tell them you're saving the bloody planet by recycling the burger wrapper.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to not only ride the Brooks, I'm going to eat the f'ing steak too! So as for the environmental impact, if I'm going to harvest for food, the by-product of a saddle (or anything leather for that matter) is conservation. And no, you can't talk me out of my steak no matter how bad it is for the environment, how cruel, how bad it is for me. Because some things are just worth doing.

bikesgonewild said...

...such a mensch, that bsnyc/rtms...

...but boychick, the word is 'shtup', not this 'sexual intercourse' you're talking...maybe even 'yentz' if ya wanna get foul mouthed about this, yes ???...

...anyway, such dreck, these hipsters...

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:29 PM, leather is absolutely not a by product of the meat industry. the conditions in which "food animals" are raised do not lead to quality leathers. it is a separate industry. those who think that owning a brooks is a form of recycling are way off, and can stop patting themselves on the back right now. (for the record i used to believe this, too; i was wrong.)

when a truly eco saddle becomes available, i will be on it, but i can tell you now, brooks ain't it. as for the synthetic, if my bike with its synthetic saddle keeps me out of my car--which it does 90% of the time--that is a very good thing.

i am not sure how douchebaggery comes in to this...?

I Go Around and Around said...

Oy moo?

Moo-hel?

Udder?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Bovine flatulence is a contributor to Climate Change.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Does riding a bike on a leather saddle require a clear conscience? The question itself exemplifies the greatness of our nation. There are places in this world where a Brooks would be devoured for breakfast and an Ideale for lunch.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe Snobby's endorsing those over priced status symbol seats now. First it was rapha getting the ironic endorsement (with the convenient linky) now this. All publicity is good publicity right? You can be funny but talk about selling out.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

have you been eating my wife's cooking?

xyxax said...

@ mikeweb

so that WAS you.
And to think people opt for petroleum-based rain pants.

AYHSMBS

All you haters suck my bamboo saddle.

Anonymous said...

Personally I used my brand new painted axe to kill then skin deer for the hyde. You can do over a weekend on one of the companies jaunts.

What a seat I have.

Better than last year's squirrel.

Anonymous said...

I have some real nostalgia for glue sniffing of my youth.

Anonymous said...

BGW, not tpo bget all technical and all, but it's "anyvayzee...," not "anyways..."

wishiwasmerckx said...

Salty and Sore, since Frilly hasn't been around much lately to sexually harrass, thanks for telling us about what it is that you allow between your legs.

crosspalms said...

Beef for lunch, leather shoes, leather belt, Brooks saddle, steel frame, heated office, heated home, heated cat bed (don't get alarmed, it's for ferals on the back porch), computer at work, computer at home, electric whatnots, and I threw away the plastic thing my lunch came in. The day's not over yet, and that's my toll so far. It's a miracle we have a planet left. Oh, and Starbucks this morning.

Maybe I should get one of those axes and go live in the woods, catch my food, cook from scratch. I think I saw in the NYT today you can get a cast iron skillet for $89.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon 4:43. Great, so meat is a byproduct of the Leather Industry. Either way, I'm pretty sure the whole cow gets used for something. Leather, meat, animal feed, and Jello.

Anonymous said...

anon, 5:09. ironically, meat is not a byproduct of the leather industry because animals raised for leather are not pumped full of hormones and fed a diet of utterly crazy shit necessary to bring them to market weight. sure, the remains get used for other things--a whole slew of unnecessary, weird, and creepy other things.

Anonymous said...

if y'all actually want to read about the leather industry, rather than make uninformed remarks, this is a good place to start: http://www.veganline.com/why.htm

yes, the link addresses leather, specifically.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 5:05pm...anyvayze it's to be lookinged at, i'm so fercockt...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:52pm,

Not sure if your "sellout" comment is actually serious, but if you could read it from where I'm sitting right now you'd think it was pretty funny too.

--BSNYC

Mr Hooper said...

BERT ERNE

Brought to you by the number 7 and the letters E, P, and O.

crosspalms said...

This just in: BSNY spotted using iPhone, sitting in Trump lobby signing Apple and Trump to advertise on blog. Cash everywhere. Naked women cavorting in fountains of Rapha goop. You get the picture

Celestine V said...

Epping Forest - no, it shouldn't.

And furthermore, this.

Anonymous said...

Re the mohel
The lubricant always rubs off on the sheet with the hole
Last fri night rode central park @ 9p. No cops no cyclists didn't stop for any lights it was nice reminded me of how Real the lived experience used to be

PawnShop said...

Dear Douchebag,
Congratulations on your militant vegan viewpoint. Note that I didn't say, "Dear Vegan Douchebag". You see, most vegans aren't. Rest assured that if you were eating steak while wearing chaps & a mink shirt, you'd be EXACTLY as big a douchebag as you presently are in your militant vegan condition. That's because you're just a douchebag. An enormous douchebag.

Go vandalize someone else's blog. Better still, start your own. Then, you can proselytize to your angst's content - to an audience of none.

Have a nice day, douchebag.

Herbie Hairpie said...

No! Thank
You! Eric
"The Charm-
Ferret" Mur-

Ray: for
All that
Hipstar
Pushy.

Anonymous said...

MILI TANT

DUSH BAG

LEAT HER

EAT HER

LIZZ HACH

Anonymous said...

The excessive economic activity and worker exploitation that goes into luxury branding and the financing thereof are responsible for a great deal more environmental damage than any mere choice in materials can account for.

To be deserving of smugness, 'tis best just to keep the saddle the bike came with while mocking other peoples conspicuous consumption.

Anonymous said...

when buying a saddle, i look for the best price/performance compromise, not giving a fook about the brand or whatever.

Am I a complete loser?

ps: 15€ plastic wins

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anon 3:05 said...

BGW, are you verklempt as well?

hoot79er said...

If you're looking for a friendly puppet, he's in my pants and will be oh so very happy to see you.

His name is Squishy.

ce said...

Say no to leather saddles, fur is much more comfortable. The fur used in saddles is an otherwise wasted by-product of the animal fighting industry, an industry solely comprised of small scale locally run community based organisations, no evil mega corporations. Bicycle saddles are one of the few products small enough to utilize this waste material, as it is generally shredded into fairly small pieces while performing its primary function. Fur saddles only require dry cleaning once a week, not after every ride as some people will tell you.

Oh, and Snob... please stop selling out to Sesame Street just because you want them to shower you with free Elmo merchandise to give to Snob Jr.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good Point ce

Alaskan Seal Skin would also make a fantastic seat material. I use it on my bow as an arrow rest. The fur is very durable and I have shot many an arrow across this material with hardly a scuff to show. And of course sealskin is naturually waterproof so none of that funky wet cow hide to deal with. Local inuit tribes can be employed in its harvest giving back to the community and a nice brown and white spotted colorway for your saddle. Very stylish and hip.

She Who Must Be Obeyed said...

Family men are licensed to sell out. They own the coveted "sell out pass": valid as long as they can provide for their child's private school education..

Jay said...

First! To mention the BUZZCOCKS quote in this post's title.

Nogocyclist said...

Vegans not wanting cows slaughtered for whatever reason society has for slaughtering them would quickly lead to the near extinction of cattle.

The only reason cattle are raised in most parts of the world is to make money and for people to eat. There are people in the world who would raise cows just for pets, but rest assured with the necessary expenses involved in raising cattle, very few people would do it except for food or to earn money by selling them for food and leather and such. In India they do use cattle for beasts of burden, due to their religious philosophies without using them for food, but it is an expense on their society that is hard to justify without believing they are the reincarnation of Uncle Fred or some other person from their past.

Very simply, if people stop raising cattle for profit, there will be almost no one paying the expenses so cattle can live at all.

Being a strict vegan is ideal, except when you actually think about the results your ideas will accomplish in the long run.

No Beef or leather = Almost No Cows in the Future.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Recumbent, CE
may I suggest an untapped source of bicycle saddlery:
deceased pets. After my cat Zoe passed away I regretted having to put her out with the garbage. My next door neighbor, an avid hunter, gladly skinned her for me and with a little Yankee ingenuity- voila! My pet and I ride together once again.

Norman said...

here's your recipe:

1 Tbsp fishy oil
1 Tbsp beezwhacks
1 Tbsp olive oil
melt the beezwhacks over a gentle fire, stir in the fishy & olive oil. Cool & enjoy.

You can also eat it.

LK said...

Well the cop stopped me today. He didn't like my reflectors. Of course it was broad daylight at the time. After I told him that I would be happy to meet him in front of a judge and that he was an asshole (yes, I told him he was an asshole). He changed his song and let me go.

Asshole.

leroy said...

Who was it who asked if we weren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

Oh well, that never came up when enjoying blintzes at Kiev. Veselka is good, but I preferred Kiev.
And the Second Avenue Deli proved that the only good salmon on Second Avenue is a smoked salmon.

Ahh, nostalgia.

Scottsmack said...

"Where the fuck are all the friendly puppets?!?," they want to know. But there are no friendly puppets.

Best line since I started reading.

my2hands said...

@everyone in NYC sick of the bike law crackdown; move to the STL (Saint Louis) and lets form a version of Ayn Rand's Galt's Gully for cyclist. The city gov't is begging for more cyclist and nobody stops at red lights here...not even cars.

e.e crankset said...

Scottsmack,
You're so right about the "no friendly puppets" line. It's downright poetic in a Frenck Symbolist sort of way, but in english. SNOB SYMBOLIST POETRY.

Og LoneWolf said...

I recommend some urin for that Brooks saddle

crosspalms said...

og lonewolf,
I think it's gotten plenty with the number of people pissing all over Brooks and leather in general. Ancient tanning recipe, eh?

the Leatherman said...

Everything else is bullshit.

ce said...
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ce said...

TTTSWRFFTPTD endlessly travels through space time in search of his long lost true love. Quite sad really.

ce said...

Frilly

ce said...
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ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Ranny MacAsskilt, the Chinese knockoff, would make an ideal role model for bicycle safety and road law compliance (they are exactly the same thing). His trials bike is decked out with the full compliment of reflectors. Ranny also finds a kick stand is ideal when taking a break.

ce said...

This Brooks saddle user always wears a helmet mirror while riding through the fields. The cows make him nervous. Chewing grass and plotting revenge, that's all they do.

I survived the cows! I rock!

Anonymous said...

hey bikesnobnyc i was one of those on twitter who said you should keep it from getting wet, but i swear to you it's from hard won experience selling them to people and owning several. especially when you consider that for me and others who didn't get one for free it was a pricey purchase and keeping a free black plastic bag from a bodega tucked under the rails kept me from ruining nearly $130 bucks of saddle from time to time. this really isn't smug satisfaction, i ruined one getting caught in one single storm once. it's now cracked and sags in a section. works ok and i'll ride it til it dies given how much i paid for it, but just before i went on that ride someone older & wiser said "throw a plastic bag on that saddle" i mean think about it, it's leather.

but hey, i guess when you get stuff for free you can stop giving a shit and it gets annoying when people genuinely wish you well. i mean, if we all said "hey you're going to feel so connected to the bike man, rub your nose on the underside and be sure to massage it like kobe beef every night at 7pm" then that'd be annoying, sure.

proofide, for the record, smells like fish farts.

also i wonder how many vegan cyclists who are convinced bikes are going to save the environment ever stop to wonder about all the grease used on bicycles and how steel is fabricated.

bikesgonewild said...

..."it rubs the lotion on the saddle..."...

...(progressively louder)..."it RUBS the lotion ON the saddle !!!..."...

...(aggravated)..."IT RUBS, THE FUCKING LOTION, ON THE FUCKING SADDLE OR IT DOESN'T GET TO FUCKING RIDE WITH NO PANTS ON !!!..."...

Top said...

Lanterne rouge

stov top!

The girl in the short skirt said...

Snob, I'm sorry, but by buying a Brooks saddle, you have irretrievably entered the realm of hipsterdom, and no amount of renunciation or door-slamming can get you out. It's a one-way trip. You might as well become a minimalist and start selling your stuff on ebay. I expect the proceeds from authentic BS stuff will allow you and your saddle to buy a Bahamian island, complete with fruit trees. Thus you can enter self-imposed exile and live on coconuts and creme pies, just like Gilligan did, and sleep with your leather saddle as a pillow, and be the maximum minimalist of all time. Best of all, no red lights to run.

Anonymous said...

nogo, you forgot about dairy cows.

And girl, Snobbie was _given_ the saddle.

crosspalms said...

ce,
You've been busy! Thanks for posting the Frilly photo, she's been away too long.

Super(not) Vegan said...

Vegans rule the road (and the mountains)! Watch Ride the Divide and tell me I'm wrong. AYCSMHVFFA (All you carnivores suck my hairy vegan fruit-farting ass).

Anna Wintour said...

Thank you so much for the Frilly pic, CE. Now I know Laboutin's come in SPD.

The girl in the short skirt said...

Given, schmiven. There's a reason Snob gets a Brooks saddle for "free" and I don't (and it's not 'cause my ass is cuter than his, which it is).

crosspalms said...

I think there's a way for vegans to make their own Brooks saddles

Anonymous said...

When has any police force kept someone from being robbed, stabbed, shot or raped. Most local force are there to generate revenue and are now being replaced by cameras that send fines but no ticket via the mail.

Anonymous said...

Don't know if this is an inside-joke-intentionally-misspelled thing, but impugnity is not a word.

Bleevo said...

oh, that chick is riding a xootr. they are extremely dangerous in wet conditions due to the hard rubber tires. so, triple danger!! cell phone, salmon, and xootr in the wet! The dude is riding a xootr too, but his QR does not appear to be properly fastened.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Brooklyn used to be that way. Still kinda is in some parts, but i'm sure as hell not saying where on the internet, lest hipster come and ruin it for everyone.