This Also Just In: Celebrity Citing!

I hope you'll pardon me if I seem a bit shaky, but in addition to announcing my shark-jumping I also had a major brush with celebrity this morning. Not only did I see Transportation Alternatives Executive Director Paul Steely "Young Jeezy" White (he was driving a Ford Edge and making an illegal right on red through a crowded crosswalk), but I also saw Barack Obama's bicycle:


If you don't believe me, this side-by-side image should be sufficient to dispel any doubt:


Also, the bike was being guarded by a nine-man security detail, and let's just say they know how to frisk.

Obama may have promised "change," but I for one am glad to see our chief executive is sticking with the same bike. In These Trying Economic Times (which I shall heretofore abbreviate as ITTET) many of us have been forced to forego upgrades and new bicycle purchases, so I think Obama's decision to keep the ill-fitting Trek hybrid with the trail-a-bike attachment even after becoming President of these United States sets a good example for us all.

By the way, I'm not sure what Obama's doing in New York, but I was checking the "Hello Brooklyn" calendar and my best guess is he's here to attend "urban shaman" Donna Henes's "Eggs on End" ceremony:

7:15AM
Event starts 7:44AM Equinox moment

A sunrise ceremony to usher in spring. As the Sun crosses the equator into the Northern Hemisphere it is possible to stand an egg on its end and according to Chinese folklore doing so brings luck for the entire year. A family friendly event. Bring kids, dogs, drums and lots of spirit.

ITTET, this may be just what we need to get our country back on track.



Speaking of celebrities who ride Treks, apparently the drug tests to which Lance Armstrong is constantly subjected reached a new level of degradation when a French anti-doping inspector hacked off a bunch of his hair:

I learned about this from reading Lance Armstrong's Twitter, which is kind of like a freak on the subway in that you pretend you don't look at it but you really do. Armstrong has been tested constantly since returning to the sport, which frankly strikes me as a huge waste of time. Retiring after all those Tour wins only to come back and cheat would be like making the world's greatest best man speech at a wedding, returning to your table, and then getting back up 20 minutes later to urinate on the cake. And as entertaining as that would be, he's just not going to do it. As such, I'm currently working on two theories for all the testing:

1) The French (whose last win in their eponymous grand tour was during the reign of Napoleon II) believe Armstrong's bodily fluids have special Tour-winning properties. As such, they are attempting to collect enough of it to secure a victory for team Agritubel. However, if this is indeed their plan, then their logic is deeply flawed. If Armstrong's bodily fluids had that kind of power, then Ashley Olson would have at least won a mountain stage by now.

2) The French are attempting to collect enough of Lance Armstrong to actually make their own Lance Armstrong. If this is true then you can expect Agritubel's GC contender (as crazy as the idea of a French GC contender sounds) to consist entirely of blood, urine, and nail clippings. They're probably gluing on the hair as I type this, and also cutting an Armstrong mask out of some canary cage liner like Bicycling with a pair of safety scissors.

However, even though I think the chances that Armstrong would cheat are remote, I have noticed some suspicious "Tweeting" going on recently:



This eyebrow-raising post elicited a reply from one of the so-called "Twitterati":




So I followed the link, which brought me to this:




While it was immediately clear to me that Dennis Hopper was "dropping mad science," Armstrong seemed unconvinced:


I guess some people can't handle life "on the real." I guess that's also why Dennis Hopper's Twitter only has 44 followers. Personally, not only am I unafraid of Dennis Hopper's insights, but it's also as if he's actually channeling my own thoughts:



I don't know if this is the real Dennis Hopper, and I don't care either. The man speaks the truth, and ITTET that's all that matters.