The Cruelty of Fate: Victimized Velos

In the comments to Friday's post an anonymous reader posted a link to this astounding ad from the San Francisco Craigslist:




Cervelo Fixie - $2000 (bernal heights)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-25, 9:24AM PST

I am selling this bike because it is too small for me. As you can see from the pics I tried to make it work with a tall stem and Cervelo's longest seat post. The frame has a 55cm ctr-ctr seat tube and a 60cm ctr-ctr top tube. The stand over height is 32 1/4". Parts include- Phil Wood hubs on Velocity DV rims, Paul E Lever, Dura Ace front brake, KMC gold chain, Surly cog and lock ring, Race Face Cadence cranks, Brooks saddle, Ritchey Pro stem, NS Components Habanero bar, Oury grips and Conti Gator Skin tires. The frameset, by itself, retails for $1800.00. I am selling the complete bike for $2000.00.
phone# 415-260-[deleted]


There is some component of the human spirit that compels people to create abominations such as this, and to force expensive bicycle frames to be something that they are not. It's sort of a White Industries Eccentric ENO hub of the soul. While quite different from The World's Greatest Madone in terms of setup, this particular bicycle shares its twisted DNA. The owner has made a bold attempt to transform this Cervelo into an urban fixed-gear freestyler (seduced no doubt by its rear-facing dropouts), but all the riser bars, oury grips, and retro saddles in the world cannot hide the mankini which lies beneath. Too small for its owner by many centimeters, the bicycle's bars and saddle stretch skyward, as if the whole sorry machine were imploring the heavens to spare it from its wretched existence. And while I ordinarily have no empathy for triathlon or TT bikes, I only hope some passing Ironperson takes mercy on this wretched contraption, purchases it, strips it of its fixter affectations, and returns it to its natural aero-barred state--which, it must be said, is a different sort of humiliation, but one for which the frame was at least designed.

But forced fixterization is not the only horrible fate to which bicycles can be consigned. They can also fall victim to vivisection at the hands of a young Dr. Moreau in south Florida, as I learned from the following Craigslist ad, forwarded by a reader:

my bamboo bike... ( NEED CRAP BIKES!) (plantation)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-09, 7:50PM EST

I posted something earlier on here regarding that I was making bikes for a high school project? well number one is finally done.

I want to make more, so I need bikes to cut up. I'm really digging the idea of a bamboo chopper style bike and I would LOVE a donor schwinn stingray or imitation just for the wide bottom bracket and rear tire. I could probably hook you up with a thank you letter with a schoolboard of broward county letterhead on it that you could probably use as a tax write-off...

so back to the bike though. it's basically a track-style frame with seat and chainstays about two inches too long because I'm a big dummy and don't measure things correctly. steel mountain bike fork which I hope to later cover in bamboo just for looks, joints originally tacked together with gorilla glue and bound with unwound sisal rope and elmer's fiberglass resin (then burned the edges because I was wayyy too lazy to cut that shit off), dropouts and headtube off a magna crapper mountain bike, and bottom bracket shell is off a wrecked schwinn world.

just for the record, no, I am not using freakin' yellow deep v's, but the guy who sold me a pair of pro II's on ebay must have got lazy or something because it's been three weeks and I'm definitely getting impatient to mount them on my other wheelset.

oh yeah, and I got the idea from this guy's Instructable, http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Build-a-Bamboo-Bicycle/
and he's been nothing but ridiculously helpful in all my pesterance.

so without further adieu...

"I want to make more, so I need bikes to cut up," he says. Yes, as Craig Calfee knows, once you taste from the forbidden stalk, your bamboo lust becomes unquenchable and you just start cutting and lashing like Tom Hanks in "Castaway." All that remains is for these bamboo freaks to band together and take to the streets, like those Tweed Run weirdos in London. It would be a grotesque, creaky processon of bamboo bicycles being ridden by people in panda suits, grass skirts, and coconut bras. They'd probably finish up at a tiki bar and get smashed on mai tais, which are the PBR of the bamboo bike scene.

In fact, I'm relatively certain that even now Craig Calfee is scouting the internet in search of young, up-and-coming bamboo builders. Just imagine the thrill of receiving a call from the Panda-In-Chief, Craig Calfee himself, and being summoned to his giant bamboo lair for flaming cocktails. Perhaps he'd even fly you to his private airstrip in his bamboo replica of the Spruce Goose. Hopefully, the people at Isaac bikes are also on the lookout for talent, since it sounds like they need it. I've recently learned from recall enthusiast Commiecanuk that Isaac has recalled, well, every bike they've made since 2004:

I was not nearly as disturbed by this recall as I was by the Clif Bar one, for the simple reason that I don't own or aspire to own an Isaac. I did, however, find their road bike line quite compelling:



ULTRASONIC--The rider who claims to have "the best of everything' certainly does not, until he has one of these.

FORCE--With all the Isaac innovations--and it's totally hand made. The force is a monocoque masterpiece.

SONIC--If brutal efficiency with all-day comfort is not enough, let's also throw in stunning good looks.

PASCAL--The Pascal satisfies many desires, but leaves one obvious question: How can they do it for the price?

Yes, these exotic handmade bicycles each shares one thing in common--the fact that each and every one of them has now been recalled. So if you thought you had "the best of everything," realized you didn't because you didn't own an Isaac Ultrasonic, then purchased an Ultrasonic, please keep in mind that you still don't have "the best of everything" until you get that new expander plug.

Speaking of having "the best of everything," Isaac really stands by their frames. I was heartened to read this in the FAQ:


Q: Do carbon frames last?

A: Yes, Isaac frames are guaranteed for five years of racing and training use. When the primary consideration is performance, carbon is the only choice. If you really need your frame to last for fifty years, buy a steel one--which may be twice the weight, and also less efficient!

So, really, an Ultrasonic is "the best of everything"--except durability. Basically, you can expect your Isaac frame to last slightly longer than your cleats. Perhaps Isaac should investigate adding some other materials to their range. I hear people are doing interesting things with bamboo.