This Just in: I Break for Holidays!

With the holidays upon us, it is now time for me to don my black skinsuit, slither into my teardrop-shaped aero coffin, fold my hands over my chest, and have my longtime Polish soigneur Thadeusz carefully tighten the Allen bolts on the coffin's carbon fiber lid (with a torque wrench, of course), thus sealing me in until this whole unfortunate mess is over.  (I will stress though that it's a coffin and not a recumbent!  The wheels are simply to help Thadeusz roll me into the basement.)  So this means I'll be signing off as of today.  However, I will be back on Tuesday, December 30th to remind you once again of the contest deadline (see yesterday's post) as well as to administer a general upbraiding.

In the meantime, I'd like to take you on a short virtual tour of New York City, which at the moment is cold and icy.  I'm still trying to figure out a practical way to render a "scratch and sniff" blog post, but until I do you'll just have to make do with audio.  (It is New York City, though, so if you want the full sensory experience you could always try reading this in the bathroom.):

Here is the Manhattan Bridge bike path (looking towards Manhattan), which the city could not be bothered to clear.  To experience what it was like to ride walk across it yesterday evening:

1) Launch a new browser window;

2) Play this;

3) Minimise the window;

4) Stare at the photo.

For the not-safe-for-work version, say the "f-word" repeatedly while you watch.  Also, it's interesting to note that cyclists in New York rarely greet each-other while riding; however, they do wave and say hello when they're pushing their bikes on foot.  New Yorkers are only friendly under duress.

Once you arrive in Manhattan, the streets themselves are clear and thus perfectly rideable.  However, the city did take pains to make sure any protected bike lanes remained uncleared.  Here's one that is a block of ice.  I present to you two ways to virtually enjoy this bike lane:

1) The Sincere Way

1) Launch a new browser window;

2) Play this;

3) Minimize the window;

4) Stare at the photo.

2) The Ironic Way

1) Launch a new browser window;

2) Play this;

3) Minimize the window;

4) Stare at the photo.


New Yorkers have weathered financial crises, terrorist attacks, blackouts, poor performances by their professional sports teams, and draconian trans fat laws.  However, one thing we can't seem to weather is weather.  The sort of light dusting of snow that would hardly compel a Minnesotan to change out of his or her bikini is enough to halt our subways, cause massive vehicular pile-ups, and drive people into their homes with the Sunday Times and a week's supply of bagels.  And forget about riding bicycles.  Of course, the upside of this weather-wussiness is there's plenty of bike parking at those new sheltered bike racks, which you can't even get anywhere near on a nice day.  (And the bikes that you do see have obviously been there since June, when their owners came to their senses and moved back to Marin or wherever everyone in New York seems to be from these days.)  Here's what it was like at the one in Union Square yesterday evening:

1) Launch a new browser window;

2) Play this;

3) Minimize the window;

4) Stare at the photo.

Yes, people visiting New York for the first time are often surprised by how much it sounds like a swamp.  (They do expect the swampy smell though.)


Having finished my business in town, I returned to Brooklyn.  Since the Manhattan Bridge was frozen solid and I was unable to purchase a pair of studded tires at the Whole Foods in Union Square (I was instead thrown out after I smashed a jar of gourmet chutney in a fit of anger) I decided to try my luck with the Brooklyn Bridge.  While that too was a mess, it was at least rideable, since tourists are more important than cyclists so the city actually bothered to put down some salt.  (Richard Sachs is building me a custom lugged bicycle-mounted salt spreader, but I won't have it for another seven years.)  Here's what it was like on the bridge:

1) Launch a new browser window;

2) Play this;

3) Minimize the window;

4) Stare at the photo.

All things considered, it could be a lot worse here in New York for us cyclists.  Sure, nobody clears our bike lanes, but at least the police don't rock/run Aerospokes:

Penultimately, before I go I'd also like to put on my trend-forecasting hat (it's the one with the propeller on top) and declare that the hot new fixed-gear component for 2009 is going to be wooden handlebars, as you can see here:

We've seen these before, and it's nice to see another builder following suit.  Oddly-shaped wooden bars are a perfect choice for the dilettante fixed-gear rider since they: 1) don't allow for brake levers; 2) don't allow for grips; and 3) have the potential to splinter before you ride hard enough to actually need a brake anyway.  Sure, I know many people tout the strength of wood, and I'm sure there are people out there who will explain that a well-built wooden handlebar is more than strong enough for this application, and that wood has served us well as a building material for thousands of years, and that the Amish flew to the moon and back in a wooden spaceship, and so forth.  Well, that all may be, but I still don't buy it.  Retrogrouchery is one thing, but primitivism is something else entirely.  Plus, I visited this guy's website and noticed a disturbing inconsistency:


Having a handmade handlebar and a pre-built Cane Creek wheel on the same bike is like making your own pie crust and then stuffing it full of Jell-O.  Furthermore, if this person expects his customers to trust wood as a material, he should display some real confidence in it himself by using other wooden components as well, such as wooden rims.  Actually, the only way he could really convince me that he truly believes wood is strong enough for cycling would be if he were prepared to put his money where his crotch is by using a wooden seatpost.

Until then, I'm not buying--even if he does eventually offer a beaver-chewed finish option:


By the way, speaking of beavers, it's worth noting that this photograph is one of the few that is actually more obscene in sepia, since in this case the sepia tone serves to highlight the double entendre:



Lastly, before I take off my trend-forecasting hat and seal myself in my carbon fiber sarcophagus until the 30th, I'd like to share this bold new innovation from Toronto, which comes courtesy of a reader:

Fixed gear bike. - $500 (Annex)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-20, 9:46PM EST

I put this bike together just a few weeks ago. Fresh paint, new chain, pedals, wheels/cog/lock ring. It rides very very quietly and smooth. The horn is incredibly annoying and awesome.

It's like aroma therapy in a cup.

If you'd like more photos or have questions just email me. Asking $500. (very negotiable)



A Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever (RMBL) and a Fork-Mounted Bulb Horn (FMBH) are both signs that, when it comes to fixed-gear innovation, it may take more than just some beaver-chewed bicycle components to compete with our neighbors to the north.  I'm not sure what the Canadian dollar is worth these days, but I'm also not sure it matters since this disaster isn't worth 500 units of any currency on Earth.  (And that includes the wood shavings left behind by beavers and traded for goods and services by certain indigenous peoples in parts of North America.) 

At any rate, many thanks as always for reading and for commenting.  (I'm flattered by all comments, even the negative ones.  They're like presents beneath the spiky, toxic evergreens of bitterness that are my posts.)  Ride safe, and see you on December 30th.

--BSNYC/RTMS