No Hope, No Pants: the CKHCI and the SSCXWC

I don't like to end the week on a negative note. Unfortunately though, I have no choice, because I believe in honesty before diplomacy. And the honest truth is that things are really, really bad. As you may remember, when I first started tracking the Chris King Headset Composite Index on October 27th, it was at 89.79. Just over a week later, on November 4th (Election Day here in the United States), it was at 67:

That's a 22.79 point drop in the CKHCI. If you've got an old box of tires and tubes lying around, I highly recommend boiling them, as the resulting broth is both high in nutrients and surprisingly tasty. It's also what you'll be subsisting on when society comes to a grinding halt and we all start living a real-life version of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," except with bicycles instead of shopping carts. Actually, it will probably be more like a combination of "The Road" and "Red Dawn," with elements of the "Mad Max" movies thrown in for good measure. It also goes without saying that many of us will resort to cannibalism, not only for sustenance but also to keep our bicycles working. Think bar tape made from human flesh, lubricants of blood, and drivechains of bone. Yes, I know it's horrible to contemplate, but we're not going to survive if we can't face the truth.

And if numbers and graphic imagery won't convince you, perhaps Poorly-Rendered Graphing Technology (PRGT) will:

Or, to put it another way:

What's more, these aren't freakish 1 1/4" headsets, like we saw last time. These are 1 1/8" ones, and they're in good condition, too. The one that went for $51 is "still butttttterrrrr smooth," according to the seller. Sure, it may have had "a very light, faint perfect circle line" from installation, but it was also in a Moots frame, which should count for something. (After all, they have "meticulous Moots welds.")

Likewise, the only thing wrong with the $60 one (besides one "minor abrasion") was that it was missing the Chris King top cap. Now, we all know that Chris King is famous for their precision and tight tolerances, which is why they charge $30 for their headset spacers. (Just try going back to normal spacers after using the Kings. You might as well use the cardboard cylinder from a roll of toilet paper.) So it would stand to reason that their top caps also set headset preload with a degree of accuracy no other top cap can approach. Still, the seller has compensated for this by supplying two--two--non-Chris King top caps, one of which even espouses a non-homophibic affinity for singlespeed bicycles:

Alas, the only conclusion I can draw from this is that we're all doomed. Cyclists everywhere are no doubt pounding the Chris King headsets out of their frames and liquidating them before the bottom drops out completely. In the meantime, they're almost certainly replacing them with cheaper headsets, which probably means the price of cheap headses will increase. So as the price of King headsets drops and the price of "inferior" headsets goes up, we will see the dreaded "headset price inversion scenario," which I'm pretty sure is also what caused the rampant inflation in Weimar Germany in the 1920s. And as we all know, things didn't go so well after that.

Speaking of singlespeed-specific top caps (never, ever use a singlespeed-specific top cap on a geared bicycle by the way), this weekend will see the running of the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships. I'm not even going to bother mentioning where the SSCXWC is being held since it should be obvious. But if you still need help, let's just say it's someplace moist and bike-friendly. (And don't mean Mario Cipollini's crotchal region, though I hear they may hold it there next year.) And if there are two things singlespeeders love, it's ironic world championships and gender-bending. Here's the winner of last year's men's race, Barry Wicks, wearing the SSCXWC "golden speedo" (otherwise known as the hamac de banane d'or) at the regular non-cyclocross-specific SSWC in Napa, CA this past August:

We truly live in a, well, golden age of irony when a professional cyclist can wear the disgustingly revealing bikini he won at one ironic world championship while competing in another.  And while wearing a golden speedo isn't necessarily crossdressing, I do think it's noteworthy that so many competitive male cyclists will seize upon even the slightest opportunity to wear women's clothing.  Apart from the SSWC, in which a sizable portion of the male competitors wore skirts, there are also such things as the Urban Outlaw Cyclocross Dress Series.  Frankly, I don't have a good explanation for this behavior, nor for why it's especially popular on the West Coast.  I suppose it's some combination of being unable to resist the "cross" double entendre, deeply repressed desires bubbling to the surface in the pressure cooker of competition, and wanting to sneak into restricted bicycle repair clinics.

In any event, those of us stuck on the East Coast must find more prosaic ways to entertain ourselves, since we're too busy dealing with the harsh realities of life to frolic in the mud while wearing women's underpants.  (Instead, we toil in the mud while wearing skinsuits.)  So if you live on the serious side of the country and you don't have the time or inclination to participate in one of the unironic cyclocross races happening in your area, you can at least share the misery of having your bicycle stolen with a television production company:

EVER HAD YOUR BIKE STOLEN? (Downtown)
Reply to: job-904849107@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 9:06PM EST

If you have a great story to tell about a stolen bike, we want to hear it! You could be featured on the new HBO Project SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE.

We're looking for people with tragic, funny, interesting, gut-wrenching, bizarre, or surprising stories about how their bike got stolen. Where'd it happen? Who did it? Whose fault was it? Or if you have no idea how it got stolen, what's your theory? So if you've got a good story to tell, send us a few sentences describing what happened.

Be sure to include your name, phone number, and email – and send us a picture of yourself if you've got one. Also let us know when you are available this Friday and Saturday (the more options you give us, the better).

We'll be shooting downtown this Friday (11/7) and Saturday (11/8), probably around Union Square or Tompkins Square Park. It will only take twenty minutes or so to film you telling your story. If you ended up getting your bike back, bring it so you can show it off! Or bring a new one if you have one. But mostly, we just want to hear you tell your stories.

Contact us as casting@disposabletelevision.com.

Thanks!

You mean I get to be on television?  For free?!?  You better believe I'll be there, and I won't be bringing my dignity.  Maybe I'll even wear a dress!