Fixed Election: Bikes, Politics, and the Apocalypse

Numerous readers have pointed out that I am a poor photographer, and I readily acknowledge that. However, the reason people call me a bad photographer is because of the poor quality of my photographs, and that's where I disagree with them. To truly understand how bad a photographer I am, you have to know about all the photo opportunities I've missed. Because really, the first step towards being a good photographer is having a camera on you, and this is something I have yet to master. And the latest missed photo opportunity occurred yesterday, when I observed a group of four cyclists riding down 7th Avenue in Manhattan in the middle of the afternoon, blowing whistles and carrying giant banners that read "Obey Jesus or Perish!"

As a bicycle blogger, these are the moments you live for, yet sadly I was sans camera. Verily, it was the theological equivalent of an "All You Haters Suck My Balls" ride, and I missed my opportunity to capture it in pixels. Also, it was doubly significant in that it very well could be a sign of the dreaded Fixed Gear Apocalypse. For later on I also learned from a fellow blogger of the existence of an alternate version of this very blog:

First off, I'd like to assure you that I have nothing at all to do with "bikesnobnyc.blogpsot.com," nor do I even know what a "blogpsot" is, and that if I did feel compelled to proselytize people I'd at least be candid about it. As it is, I'm more than happy to let people continue worshipping false idols, coveting their neighbors' wives, eating cheeseburgers, adjusting themselves in confessionals, and foffing off with abandon. However, I'd be foolhardy to come across both a Jesus-themed bike procession and a Jesus-themed website based on my own website on the same day without at least considering the possibility that we may be staring down both nostrils of the Apocalypse. And when a third sign comes and it's as horrifying as this one in Milwaukee(forwarded by a reader), I think it's time to sound the Apocalyptic Alarm:

fixed gear gold and black - $800 (hartford)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-05, 1:48PM CDT

frame: takara 58cm tapped with waterbottle cage holes/mounts fork: chromo road bike fork...much less rake than the old road bikes had but not as straight as a track fork stem: alloy dia-comp road stem bars: takara road
bar tape: brooks black leather with brooks wooden bar ends...retails for $80.. planet bike gel under tape.

headset: shimano sealed ultegra

seat: brooks b17 special black with copper

cranks: super maxy 170 mm alloy

bb: sealed tange square taper

chainring: bmx 46t with alloy chain ring bolts

pedals: mks track with mks stainless steel toe cages

chain: kmc bmx gold

rims: 700c volocity deep v limited edition 32h front 36h rear

spokes: wheelsmith- radial in the front, 3x in the rear

hubs: surley with a surley lock ring and dura-ace 15t cog with chrome chain guard.

skewer: front a rasta salsa

tires: michilin

computer: trek insite 8i wireless

this was professionaly built with no expence spared. Shop maintained. Rides very smooth. All my friends with fixies that ride mine cant believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. Please serious buyers only.


Oh yeah, that's a pie plate on a fixed gear:


Indeed, it says in the Bible that "there shall come a fixed gear gold and black, and it shall come bearing a pie plate, although spoke protection be not necessary on a fixed gear, and that those who ride this fixed gear will not believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. There shall then be great gnashing of gears, and rending of garments, and renting of tuxedos, and valve stems too short to protrude through rims, and pant cuffs caught in drivetrains for a thousand years." At least, that's what it says in my copy. I don't remember chapter and verse, but it's somewhere towards the back with the recipes.

Can nothing protect us?

(erik k)

Alas, times are so bleak that people are using fixed-gear bicycles to promote presidential candidates:

I'm not especially political, and I'd hardly presume to endorse a candidate. However, I will say that regardless of who you're planning to vote for, you should be grateful that this bike is one of a kind, and that as such you're extremely unlikely to ever see it in person. I'd also say that the Obama campaign would be wise to bury this embarrassing bicycle as soon as possible, lest it come back to haunt him like Jeremiah Wright. Those Obama spoke cards were bad enough.

But instead of burying it, there are signs that the Obama campaign may simply be going with it instead. This poster was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have absolutely no doubt it's legitimate and Obama-approved:

He's even making moves to appeal to the women's road bike segment. A reader informs me that there's a new Orbea model that may in fact be a subliminal advertisement for the democrat:

Not to be outdone, John McCain has jumped into the fixie fray as well. Except he's not going for that savior-coming-down-from-the-heavens de-venomized Leni Riefenstahl cloud thing Obama seems to be going for above. Instead, as a big fan of the "town hall" meeting format, he's simply takin' it to the streets:

(BKJimmy)

Unfortunately for him, though, the potential for embarrassment is immeasurable.