This Just In: BSNYC Wins a Race!

Firstly, since I'm no longer commenting in the comments section (for the time being anyway) I'd like to address by far the most contentious issue to arise from yesterday's post about the metal-themed roadkill debacle. And that issue is, of course, the fact that I mentioned the band Morbid Angel in the context of grindcore, which seemed to upset a number of people. Yes, obviously Morbid Angel is a death metal band, but they started out on Earache records and came to many people's awareness when they were included on the pivotal Grindcrusher compilation. This was a time when grindcore and death metal bands were adopting aspects of each-other's sounds, and it's an epoch in musical history which, sadly and embarrassingly, I'm all too familiar with. As such, grindcore is an important part of their success (it was, in a sense, their EPO) even if they're not a grindcore band, which, I think, was my point.

Anyway, enough of that crap. This blog is about cycling, and this post is about me. Recently, a car magazine called 0-60 challenged me to a bike-vs-car race. I immediately accepted (and by "immediately" I mean eventually) since this race would give me the opportunity to realize my two biggest dreams: redeeming myself after my loss in the Great NYC Commuter Race to Jamie Favaro; and dominating a Smart car:

Yes, that's right. I raced against a Smart from Greenpoint, Brooklyn to Madison Square Park in Manhattan and I won. Forgive me for gloating, but the last time I won anything on a bicycle the bike had 20-inch wheels. I even borrowed some guy's pit bike so I could experience the thrill of victory on a cyclocross bike, which of all the bicycles out there is the type on which I am least likely to ever win anything.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Big deal. Bikes are always faster than cars in the city." Well, that's not always true. 0-60 attempted to sandbag me by starting the race right by the entrance to the Midtown Tunnel. Meanwhile, I had to take the Williamsburg Bridge, which added like a half a mile to my route. That might not sound like much, but it is when you're as slow as I am. And not only did I dominate (and by "dominate" I mean I won by a small margin) but the bike also humped the Smart car. Note the obscene crankal position:

I also got the RTMS visage onto the contributor page, sandwiched between a couple of car nerds:

But perhaps best of all, you too can experience what it's like to win a race against a tiny car, because there's a video. That's right--actual video, complete with inspirational soundtrack. So thanks to the guys at 0-60, and to the miracle of handlebar-mounted camera technology, you can see for yourself just how slow I am.

So enjoy the video, and check out the latest issue of 0-60 for the race report (though I'm guessing most of you have it anyway, since if you're reading this blog you're probably also in the market for an Aston Martin):

Anyway, many thanks to Brian Scotto and the guys at 0-60 for the fun opportunity. And if for some reason you're offended I contributed to a car magazine or something, I'll just say that when you suck as bad as I do you go wherever you have to in order to win. I was this close to contacting The Lion Roars to see if I could race against a Lionel train.