Worst of Craigslist: Disparate, Desperate, Borderline Criminal Bike Love

Yesterday New York City was fairly oozing with Springy goodness like an overstuffed vernal jelly donut, and if you live here and own a bike you were out on it yesterday after work. Every conceivable type of bicycle and rider was on display, and it was a glorious sight to behold. In fact, I even got to see that rarest of flowers: the rider wearing a sleeveless jersey and armwarmers. There is no surer sign of fair weather than this, and I simultaneously wanted to rejoice and vomit. (In the end I did a little bit of both.)

Given the warm weather and the robust Pistadex of 550, it would stand to reason that there would be an uptick in bike-related Missed Connections, and a brief visit to that section of Craiglist proved that this was indeed the case. Here are just a few of the more disturbing ones:

looking for the one! - w4m (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637889623.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-11, 12:19AM EDT

I'm a bit of a workaholic, but I truly enjoy my profession. My spare time is spent at the Cards' or Blues' games, on my mountain bike, working on my house, reading and doing crossword puzzles, spending quality time with friends or my small zoo of pets. I love to volunteer for a few special causes. As far as entertainment goes, I primarily like comedies and I love a good stand-up performer. My TV must haves are Rescue Me and Weeds. I love the fiction of Carl Hiaasen, Lawrence Shames and Tim Dorsey although I am currently on a nonfiction kick. I am a huge fan of red wines, especially zinfandels and pinot noirs, and I love going out to new restaurants. I'm sarcastic as a rule, self-depricating, goofy, and sometimes too honest for my own good. My only requirements are someone with a good sense of humor and must love animals. Beyond that, I all depends on chemistry. Still interested, drop me a line.

The reiteration of the animal caveat here is disturbing. I get a sense that many a relationship has ended prematurely due to the menagerie in which this woman apparently lives. In fact, it's obvious to me that this ad was written by "Being John Malkovich" Cameron Diaz. So if you're considering answering this ad, it's a tough call. On one hand, it's Cameron Diaz, and even with the frumpy hair and wardrobe you could do a lot worse. (Kind of like getting a good deal on a nice frame because it's got a mediocre component group.) On the other hand, well, there's having to change monkey diapers. So I leave it up to you to decide.

Well done!! An exceptional showing..ladies girls and women of NYC (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637657211.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 5:07PM EDT

This is a personal Thank You to all of the exceptional ladies who graced this warm and lovely day with their warm and lovely persons..All of you should really take a bow.

I took the day to make my first serious bike ride through the city..and I wished I had a camera every moment.
The beauty with the dark hair who was just starting to feel the sun..her black curls and lovely tan skin gracing our somber air space on 13th street.(okay..i flirted shamelessly I admit it)
The beautiful women..with their teenage daughters..showing the younger generation what it takes to be ...just simply sexy!
The blondes who were having a field day with the sunshine...
The asian girl at the entrance of central park...her bare legs under her skirt recovering from the morning goose bumps..

such a day..from my observations, 10% of you just put your heads down and let the warm weather clothes be your guide from the moment you went out...just braving the morning chill(freezing your asses off)
The other 90% found the clothes of winter peeling away...

All of you finding a place to grace the sunshine..making it shine the brighter.

A truly lovely day.....from a devoutly appreciative man..

There are times I feel nothing but sympathy and compassion for the women of New York City, and this is one of those times. I can imagine nothing worse than being pursued by some leering, slavering, cat-calling letch on a bicyle, his hormones raging like buttermilk in a churn due to the weather and the sight of a little skin. This guy is definitely a Post headline in the making: "Pedal Perv Pants at Skirts." So if you happen to see a portly bug-eyed middle-aged man on a department store Magna drooling, call the authorities or simply immobilize and restrain him if you have the equipment. I realize this describes most Magna riders, but for the sake of our city's women we can't be too careful.

looking for a girl with amazing Bright red hair - m4w - 33 (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637223397.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 11:36AM EDT

Was riding my bike yesterday up 6th ave when I stopped at the red light and watched you and your amazing hair cross the street at W 4th around 3pm. We exchanged glances. I was the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf.
You were dressed in greys and blacks with a beret like hat, your day glow red hair peaking out. fair skin and an elegant nose.
Biggest mistake of an otherwise perfect day was not stopping you to ask if you'd had lunch yet when we exchanged glances. speachless.
Don't know who reads these things but if you know this girl help me find her.
thanks

It's interesting that he specifies "you and your amazing hair" were crossing the street. Was the hair not on her? Was she carrying a wig across the street on one of those syrofoam heads? Was she being trailed by a little red merkin with legs? Personally, I'd like to see these two get together since they sound like they'd make a visually stunning couple. So if you know any wig-toting women with elegant noses (and possibly pet merkins) drop this guy a line.

The girl in black on 14th st. around 2:00pm - m4w - 23 (Union Square) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/636703029.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-09, 8:59PM EDT

you: tall girl, wearing all black. standing on the corner of E. 14th st. and Union Square E. waiting for the signal to change while looking arrestingly beautiful. if the sartorialist was around, he definitely would have been photographing you.

me: long hair, in a grey hoodie, blue jeans - walking up to the corner with my bike. i turned down broadway and thought about you all the way to brooklyn.

i was running late, or i would have asked you to have a cup of coffee with me. maybe another time?

if you get this, email me and tell me what color my bike was.

"Is 'Pista' a color?"